Saturday, August 17, 2013

Have I Ever Been Close to Relapse- A cautionary tale

The only time I ever seriously thought about relapsing was in Ohio. I had like 10 months clean and I was visiting my family. In retrospect planning a vacation to visit for ten days was probably way too long. The tension started building the first night. My mother settled me in. I was to sleep in the room where I spent my earliest childhood. I became flooded with emotions. I was in the room next to my father. I could hear him snoring as I had as a young child. I was reflecting back to my life. All the things that had passed in that house. I was overwhelmed, unable to communicate my feelings in brief calls with my friends.

I went through the things I had left there. I found old drug evidence- acid wrappers, a syringe . My heart sank to imagine that my mother had left my things perfectly preserved as I was going to return in a few days. Those things had stayed frozen in time. Although I did not use in the house, I had came back loaded when my parents let me move home as a lost 20 year old. More and more feelings came over me like a wave.

Then came the real celebrating-  when different branches of the family met up at my brother's home.They all were drinking- toasting to my recovery and the return of the prodigal daughter.  I hadn't seen them in 7 years or more. I wanted to drink so fucking bad. I was in a room full of people and I felt so alone. the guilt and shame created these cravings. Why can't I be like everyone else?  I went upstairs. I was desperate at this point. I prayed to whatever to provide me with some type of guidance. Then it all became crystal clear to me. See, I told myself,- they can drink and have jobs and homes. But I am not them. If I have a drink I am going to want 10. Then I am going to find a way to do what I really want to do which is find some drugs. Then, I'm going to walk in the snow to the housing projects because in any major city in America, I can find some crack. Because that is who I am. And the cravings left me. I am not the victim in this story. I am fully aware of the pain I have caused others. That day, my recovery really started because I was accountable for my own actions. I was not blaming anyone else. I had acceptance and I was at peace.

This is a picture from that trip, maybe the same day, as this story.





15 comments:

  1. Hi Tracey,
    I'm Cecilia from Rome,Italy. I just saw the black heroin documentary and found your channel on youtube. My brother recently died from an overdose on heroin and I am so glad to see that there are people who are able to overcome their addiction also by fighting the pain that life made them suffer. Good job on letting people know it's possible, I really appreciate that. Cheers, Cecilia

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    1. I am sooo sorry for your loss. thank you for reaching out to me

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  2. Tracey you never stop amazing me.

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    1. I don't know who this is but hit me up traceyh415@gmail.com and tell me all about it

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  3. This book needs to be published ASAP. It's going to be that good!
    Very inspiring.

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    1. Well this actually is not a story from my book but maybe I should put it in there. Thanks.

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  4. Drinking right in front of a newly recovered addict, wow. That's pretty insensitive.

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    1. Thanks for reading. haven't seen you in awhile

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  5. thanks Tracey - It feels so real in the telling- like I was there with you. amazing!

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  6. You look absolutely beautiful, by the way.

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  7. you have gorgeous tattoos and Im glad you didnt relapse.so happy i found you x

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