Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Anonymous from Arizona- Guest Post

 I'm 17 years old, I started smoking BTH when I was 14 and within a year I fell into intravenous use. It was a daily struggle, and to make matters worse, I lived right next to the border in Tucson, AZ! Everything there was inexpensive and of fair quality (50 - 60$ per g of black, gave nods and pins/needles off of just one point with a high tolerance, knocked you out otherwise), and before long it became a daily struggle of fighting off sickness and finding ways to get money so I could pick up. 

 Thankfully, now I am about 6 months clean now off chiva. My parents moved me to Phoenix earlier this year in February because I OD'd real hard after getting out of a 60 day in-patient rehab program. I didn't have any heroin connections here, so I resorted to doing whatever I could get my hands on once I got here; I downed fifths of hard liquor every day, smoked eighths of bud in one sitting, popped oxys, dillies, percs, k-pins, xannies, whatever I could find to fill this empty void. The only thing that even came close was listening to Lou Reed while crushing and banging 8mg dilaudids one after the other until I would overdose and black out, wake up bruised with a bloody nose from falling over, have a throbbing migraine, n puke covering the tile floor. My apologies on being graphic.. but even then I kept going, trying to fill that void which I mentioned earlier. I couldn't stop myself, and nothing could satisfy me as my beloved chiva out of my reach, so I resorted to going to great lengths in order to imitate that high, or that "low," rather. 

  In the end, this attitude of not wanting to face even a hint of sobriety ended up hitting me hard. On May 17th of this year I did some really stupid shit while I was under the influence of many substances, and I was arrested and detained, and placed on roughly 3 months of house arrest (ankle monitor and the whole bit). August 5th is when this house arrest ended, and I was placed on one year of probation. Twice a week I have to go to this place called TASC and piss in a bottle while some guy watches me. 

 I don't know when I will be able to stop going and submitting these drug tests, but I must say, this is really what's been keeping me entirely clean for the first time. I've tried in-patient and out-patient rehab, didn't work, I've tried NA, I resorted to fixing in the bathrooms during meetings, I even tried getting a sponsor and the whole bit! Wasn't my thing, unfortunately. It wasn't until I saw the documentary (Black Tar Heroin) for the second time this year that I actually had a legit desire to stay clean. Not some "oh I should get clean" attitude, but a "I really need to figure my life out before I fuck up and OD again, what if I end up six feet under this time" kinda thing.

 Yeah, the drug tests keep me in line, I can't fuck up or I'll get detained again. But there's like a bigger picture than that, like.. life, for real. "What am I gonna do with my life," panhandle on a daily basis and live my life as a heroin junkie, from fix to fix? No, I'm better than that. And you helped me come to such realization. Being a junkie only ends badly if you can't escape the strong grip of addiction before it's too late. Now that I have this opportunity, I'm going to try my hardest and make the best of life. A sober life. 

8 comments:

  1. This is an amazing story. Thank you for sharing it. I think all of us junkies--past and present--can relate to your description of the empty void. I feel like I was born with that void already in me, and dope is the only thing that has been able to fill it. I've been doing drugs for 18 years (only 13 years for dope) and I still haven't found the inspiration or strength to stay sober. It's really amazing that you've come to this realization early enough in your life that you can still salvage something worthwhile from the wreckage. I wish you all the best, and I hope that you can give us an update from time to time. I'm pulling for you, kiddo! Stay safe.

    --~j.

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  2. Anonymous from Arizona,
    Thanks for sharing your amazing journey.... You can do it! Stay Safe Stay Clean! I'm truly rooting for you!

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  3. Thank you for being brutally honest. It's really hard but it is NOT impossible. Keep your eye on the prize.

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  4. Stay strong man, I know exactly how you feel. I am 26 with just about a month off heroin for the first time in years, after a fifteen year battle with IV heroin use. It hurts like nothing else in the beginning, but I had over two years clean once and I can promise you, IT DOES GET EASIER and the pain does lessen. There will always be bad days, but the beauty and peace of the good days make those bad days worth the struggle. I also did the NA thing and also found myself fixing in bathrooms at churches during meetings, and this time am staying clean on the simple knowledge that my life can either get better being clean, or should I choose to use again, go down in flames and misery over the coming years. i promise it is worth it, brother.

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