Monday, August 12, 2013

My inner critic

I am in a very fragile place in my mind. In the process of writing my book, I have dragged up a wide assortment of painful memories and real life horror stories. What I do not need right now is critics. There are always critics and haters. Generally, I have a pretty thick skin. Now, right now, I am not in the mood to deal with critics. I am not listening to you.

Long, long ago there was a young girl named Tracey. She was very naive and she still believed in love. She met a man. He was a hustler. This was long before drugs. Long before the Tenderloin. This was naive Midwest love where it is supposed to have a happy ending to the story. 

This man claimed to love me. I let him into my being. I absorbed him. He conned his way into my life, my heart. He promised me I was the one. Instead, I was one of many. Most of all, he made me question my confidence in myself. He told me I was fat, I was stupid, I was never going to be shit, I was never going to do shit, and I was nothing with out him. Then he promised he loved me. He got my name tattooed on his neck. Then he fucked my best friend. Yeah. Ouch. 

I had a mild nervous breakdown after this relationship ended at 20. The drugs started within a few weeks. I was nothing, nothing without him. Or so I thought for many years.  My ego is much, much stronger now. But I still want YOU to love me. I still want you to understand me. Why her- why not me- what the fuck is wrong with me. I am over those questions. Your praise is important to me now. You deserve me. You love me.

I'm writing my story. I digging into these painful details. I am not listening you right now. My inner critic (my outer ones too) can fuck off for the time being while I live my life. I Iove myself today. I accept myself. I am tuning you out. 

6 comments:

  1. Stay strong Tracey. I'm always pulling for you. I've been fighting my past memories too. After 25 years clean and 2 teenagers I still deal with the pain of my past.when telling my 16 year old daughter good nite . I remembered that I was living in a fricking brothel at that age. I did a lot of acid and speed . The other day I saw a stupid B movie called Sonny. By Nicholas cage this was about my life I was married to that guy that movie was about my life and that guy was my first husband . I worked for his mother and I have tried to hide everything for a long time. To see that movie messed with me. I just wanted to let that go somewhere and this seems like a safe place to do it. I'm glad to see that you are still doing well

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    1. Yes. thanks for reading. I thought some of the readers might understand what I am going through. I have a friend that I talk with that seems to understand and that is helping right now. Feel free to email me traceyh415@gmail.com

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  2. movie stars and singers give us fantasy land! You Give HOPE, which is going to be someone's reality!

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  3. God you just told my story... Shitty hustler drug dealing BF screwed my best friend while I was pregnant, I had an abortion and started dipping into the supply. We were full blown addicts in a matter of weeks. Still haven't cleaned up, but trying. Thank you for having the heart to tell your story, it gives the still sick and suffering some hope!

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    1. Thanks for reading. Getting clean is hard as fuck but well worth it

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