Track marks and a sunny day
Some days it feels like the only thing I have in my favor is the fact that I am clean. It is hot outside. Do I hide my track marks? Do I explain to a person that in a split second I can stop giving a fuck? Do I ignore the fact that I am slightly bitter that I can't have a sip of wine or a drink of beer at a baseball game. What about the fact that I have all these damn raw emotions. i feel like breaking something or acting out or screaming. When when when will I be released from the burden of addictive thinking and compulsive actions?
I woke up this morning. I was in a bed. This is a good start to any morning. I had food to eat. Another goal accomplished. I was able to use the bathroom inside. Yes. I texted with a friend and got out some resentments. I felt my feelings. Most of all, I was not digging in my neck, hands, or feet for a place to inject my daily emotions. I am clean- a good start to the day.
There are two parts to recovery. There is stopping the use of drugs- a miracle. Then there is living life without the use of drugs. Sometimes I struggle but if I don't do the first, I can deal with the second.
I woke up this morning. I was in a bed. This is a good start to any morning. I had food to eat. Another goal accomplished. I was able to use the bathroom inside. Yes. I texted with a friend and got out some resentments. I felt my feelings. Most of all, I was not digging in my neck, hands, or feet for a place to inject my daily emotions. I am clean- a good start to the day.
There are two parts to recovery. There is stopping the use of drugs- a miracle. Then there is living life without the use of drugs. Sometimes I struggle but if I don't do the first, I can deal with the second.
This post really got me thinking. I suffer in hot weather for the most part. I'm usually wearing a tee-shirt with jeans, sometimes I'll wear a tank top, but my legs are always covered. If I wear a skirt or shorts, you can bet I'll have on long socks or tights. The skin on my legs hasn't felt direct sun for more than 15 years. I wore long sleeves, too, until about 10 years ago when I started getting tattoos, which have helped me to feel more comfortable in my scarred skin. My legs are a blank canvas tattoo-wise. However, they are highly decorated with years of scars from shooting dope in my legs & a variety of cuts & burns I received as a result of a violent crime perpetrated against me. I thought the external scars would fade over time, but they have remained dark & bitter as my soul once was. It kills me that my vanity causes me to cover myself up regardless of the weather. How do you deal with people's reactions? DO people remark? I would welcome any advice you (or your readers) would care to share to me on how to get over myself!
ReplyDeletePpl dont make comments. I feel self conscious at times but I've spent too much time caring what other ppl think of me I got clean to enjoy my life and that is what I'm going to do
DeleteIf it helps... as a non-user, I would probably not notice marks on your legs, and if I did, I would probably not know what it was from. I would just assume age, bad genes, varicose veins.
DeleteThank you Tracey. I sincerely appreciate your words -- Puts things into perspective for me (new reader)
ReplyDeleteThanks for reading
ReplyDeleteIve been clean 12 days now off of heroin. Your post is how i always feel. Like im going insane
ReplyDeletebut even though im in the early stages of recovery i can tell the difference in my moods behavior and im feeling again. I care about my life finally. Im embarrassed of the marks on my arm an hopefully can have them covered up soon. Im not healed completely but with the faith i have in god the love for my son and a great guy who loves me ill do it this time without relapsing. Thanks for sharing your story.
I love this. This is the exact reason I have been keeping this blog up for all these years. I know someone is out there feeling alone. They read the blog and it helps them in some way
DeleteThis was definitely what I needed to read at the moment. I know exactly how raw emotions can get after not using for a while. Please keep writing. Your words are comforting.
ReplyDeleteI'm on day one, my hands look horrible. I wear long sleeves to cover up my hands with the sleeve ends. I've been ping ponging back and forth using not using but I got honest last night and plan to stick to it. I want my life back. I want to live. I'm 34 years old and my Dad and Mom took me back in thank God. If not I am sure they would get that dreaded phone call soon that I was gone. I woke up in a bed this morning. My Dad bought me coffee and cereal. Food something I never cared about. I have a boyfriend that does not use and I am on the verge of loosing him too. I have two beautiful children that live with their father. Thank goodness.. I am just living for today and praying that I make it to tomorrow.
ReplyDeleteSounds like you have a few positive things going for you
DeleteI have ping ponged back and forth. But last night I got honest. I moved back in with my parents. Not what I wanted but I woke up in a warm bed. Have food to eat and I'm alive. I have horrible marks on my hands from misses hopefully they'll go away soon and one nasty mark in the pit of my arm. I wear long sleeves to cover it all. I'm on the verge of losing a great man that doesn't use..I'm struggling
ReplyDeleteI have been struggling with cocaine and i am trying my hardest not to do it. ..but long story short i am clean from dope for about 4 years now....but now i started sniffing pills and came very close to relapsing on heroin.....so i said ok im all done with pills ...so as i was going through withdrawals i decided that i can would do some coke....dont know why but i decided to boot it.....and i have been doing it off and on now for a couple months....im also with a wonderful girl who loves me....but im scared that if she finds out im using again she will just want to leave me....i have been pretty much honest with her....i mean ill hide shit but i always end up telling her. ...but now i have wicked bad track marks and i was wondering what is the best make up or concealer i should use any replies would be greatly appreciated
ReplyDeleteThere is some concealer that works. I would try eucerin to stop the bruising and drink water. Of course, stopping would also help
DeleteDear Tracy, somehow I came across your blog as I was googling ways to hide track marks. I am absolutely in tears now. Your words have resonated with me so deeply, I feel them to my core. When I read that sentence you wrote about digging for a place to shoot up your daily emotions, my eyes immediately filled with tears. I've been a junkie for 16 years now and I lost faith in myself that I could ever stop using long ago. Sadly, I must confess that I am still using. But I truly admire you for being so brave in your struggle to stay clean day after day after day. For people such as us, the drug is not our problem, the drug is our solution. Our problem is us. Getting clean means taking away our solution, and you have to deal with living without that every single day. I understand how that could be the greatest challenge a person could possibly ever face.
ReplyDeleteI've known a lot of other people throughout my life that shot heroin as well, and I've seen an entire pallette of different kinds of track marks on people. But I have never seen anyone with marks as bad as my own. I am so deeply ashamed to my core, and I try not to think about it. For years I wouldn't even acknowledge it to myself, I struggled to maintain my denial. Most people would only stare and were polite enough not to ask, but occasionally someone would speak up and ask what was wrong with my hands. I even had one random stranger ask me if I had been splattered with hot grease on my arms before. When I heard that one my throat clenched up and my heart dropped.
Thankfully I have been able to wear long sleeves everyday for the past several months during the fall and winter, but we're already into April and I'm terrified of this summer coming up. I decided that I have to face this, I have to acknowledge this. I gathered up the courage to make an appointment with the dermatologist. I've been using bleach creams for so long, and I found myself thinking that maybe I should use self tanner at the same time and that would help. Then I thought to myself, Christine, what the fuck are you thinking? This is not right. You need to deal with this.
And all of that is just on my arms. I was thinking earlier today as I was driving I that I guess I have resigned myself to the fact that I will never in my life ever let anyone see my legs again. I have huge dark spots from a lifetime of abscesses and infections and sores from my IV heroin use. No one could understand, I am deeply ashamed. And then behind all the junkies scars are severe scars that were self-inflicted when I was younger. I was not a cry for help type of cutter, I was a maniacal compulsive zealot of a self mutilator. I was deeply emotionally disturbed when I made those cuts, and my scars will be a reminder of that time for the rest of my life.
I just wanted to share all this with you because coming across your blog tonight has done something special for me. Now I know that I'm not alone. And although I may never let anyone see my legs ever again, at least I know that I have sisters out there who inspire me by being so graceful within their struggles. Thank you for being beautiful, thank you for being you, and thank you for sharing yourself with all of us. You have made a difference for me by showing me a glimmer of hope. God bless.
Most Sincerely, Christine
I’m glad I could touch you with my writing. Scars were definitely a big piece of my life
DeleteTracy, I just now noticed the date that you posted this blog. I don't know if you're still clean, or even if you're still out there. Either way, I hope you're doing well and I wish the absolute best for you. Sincerely, Christine.
ReplyDeleteI’m still clean- 21 years
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