The smell of desperation

Give me a blue eyed white boy that smells of desperation. A scene that has played out over and over. I see you standing there. Pale and alone you look at me.The sun reflects off your skin from days spent in a haze. Shorts and a white tshirt is all I need to know about you. Short hair, short on patience, short on love. I see exactly what I want to see and nothing more.

Aaron carved my name into the wall. A + T in the wood like my heart. Geny carved "Tracey- I want to be your dog" in his leg. Ben told me he wanted to marry me. Two skeletons on the bed, shivering in our hoodies. Shaugn kissed me on the rocks of the civic center. His blue eyes both were black.The 40 ozs made love so easy. Brian caught my eye in the hallway. The needle hanging out of his arm. I want THAT guy. Scott picked at himself until I cried and left. Daniel called for me from one end of the Tenderloin to the other begging me to come home. 

A girl shouldn't kiss and tell so I will not give you all the details. My life has not been short on friends or fiends. Each man has been different. Each one has been the same. The smell of desperation, the need for affection. Love that is dead and buried like most of them.

Comments

  1. AnonymousMay 25, 2013 at 11:20 PM

    All I can distinguish of the tattoo is the heart, what does it say underneath?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. traceyh415May 26, 2013 at 7:01 AM

      It's a home made tattoo that says I heart billy. He is this horrible man I dated when I was a teenager.

      Delete
  2. AnonymousMay 26, 2013 at 12:06 PM

    OMG oh how I remember Scott picking himself till I cried and begged him to STOP. I called 911 for help one time and thank God I did Because He went into shock and ended up staying in the hospital for a while he had gotten some type of infection in his blood system,I recall just about everyone of these boys in your life because in one way or another they where a part of my life, and sadly many of them are gone,

    ReplyDelete
  3. UnknownMay 28, 2013 at 6:07 PM

    Omg,so many black eyes...I'm not dead and gone but I still get a black eye from time to time, I'm working on recovering and someday will not feel the need to punish myself anymore. Love you Tracey,keep on sharing.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. traceyh415May 28, 2013 at 6:53 PM

      I love you. You were right there with me during the worst period of my life. We are still here.

      Delete
  4. AnonymousMay 29, 2013 at 7:11 PM

    And why is this the type that some women fall for so easily?? It's totally true.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. traceyh415May 29, 2013 at 8:26 PM

      Water seeks its lowest level. I was doing terrible but I felt like I was doing better if I had someone to take care of

      Delete

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