The Meat Grinder

 When I was using, I was both young and naive. I have little thought beyond my next fix or narcotic solution. I had little regard for the future of this this meat suit I carry around with me. My body was for the sole purpose of use and abuse.

Eventually I got clean. My teeth hurt. My body ached. I was grossly malnourished . What have I done to myself? The thought of sharing my body or myself with anyone was horrifying. How many long sleeve shirts can one person wear? I had a chipped tooth and an abcessed ones I was able to get those fixed in the first few months. Eventually, I spent $6,000 and six years of appointments getting my mouth restored. I paid $35 a month until I had a job where I could contribute more.

My legs are another matter. Dear readers, I have track marks, stretch marks, cellulite. Who is going to want me? I had an abcess that went into the bone. Instead of being lucky I saved my leg,I honestly was worried about who would fuck me. In early recovery, I was devestated by the state of my physical body. I had faith in restoration of my spirit. In some ways, the body never followed. However, if a person wants to love me they have to appreciate if not admire the entire package. My body is a narrative that tells the story of a survivor. There is also no shortage of affection available to me. 

I'm sharing more embarrassing details. My ham hock  track marked leg and the hole into the bone. I hope you will live and admire me a little today. My honesty makes me who I am


Comments

  1. AnonymousMay 15, 2013 at 6:59 PM

    I think you're great! What a wonderful message!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. traceyh415May 15, 2013 at 7:43 PM

      Thank you for reading. I'm glad you like my blog

      Delete
  2. XavierMay 15, 2013 at 10:25 PM

    You were asking yourself who was going to fuck you? Wow... I am on the final minutes of 'Black Tar Heroin' on youtube, you were fucking beautiful even when you were a junkie... You are really pretty tracey :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. traceyh415May 16, 2013 at 5:32 AM

      I think in general addicts have a big ego with low self esteem. I am willing to catalogue my struggles.

      Delete
    2. traceyh415May 17, 2013 at 3:35 PM

      But thanks! I love compliments!

      Delete
  3. AnonymousMay 16, 2013 at 5:49 AM

    Hey Tracey, just wondering how you are getting on with writing your book?

    ReplyDelete
  4. traceyh415May 16, 2013 at 7:24 AM

    I have about 70 pages and other materials I need to compile

    ReplyDelete
  5. AnonymousSeptember 14, 2013 at 1:09 PM

    would you fuck me? i'd fuck me. wild horses

    ReplyDelete

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