Wednesday, January 29, 2014

The Savagery

One time I washed the dope dealer's dishes hoping for some crumbs. Or was that many times. Or cleaned their house. Or walked their dog. Or watched their kid. 
I dropped my heroin into the crib. I didn't know I had lost it until my boyfriend did not believe that I would lose drugs. We argued over $10 worth of tar. Forget the baby. Forget I could have killed a toddler. 

I called the mother "hey I dropped my dope." Going out of my way to be a fucking hero. 

"I flushed it down the toilet." Such painful words. Such painful fucking words. I dropped my heroin that I forgot I had and she flushed it down the toilet. 

The mother ends up with the virus, the daughter ends up on the street. I end up clean. Well, we are all clean now. The insanity of having the junkie watch your kid. I liked the child- I loved her in fact. She was the product of a toss-up. The mother traded drugs for sex and ended up pregnant. That was how she ended up being the dealer. Trading sex for drugs then selling them. 

We all trade something in that life. We trade out dignity. We trade our morals. We trade our self concept for a hit. I'm sitting on sheets with burn holes about to stab you in the eye with a broken spoon for nodding when I am sick. And I love him. We trade society for savagery and lick the blood from our arms in agreement. 

2 comments:

  1. Tracey such powerful pieces that never fail to enthrall me totally. I run through the gamin of emotions while reading this latest passage. I am angered at your carelessness being around such a young child at the time, yet I would take my kids with me in the car to get pills myself along with dropping my blue or green oxys on the floor from time-to-time not knowing the kids could have mistaken them for food. I feel empathy because I was where you were at one time, however had my kids every day on a daily basis all day when I was addicted. I also feel overwhelming pride not only for you, but your friend and myself for kicking in my own humble opinion the hardest habit in the world, opiate addiction. Yes, they do still say nicotine in cigarettes has been measured at time harder to kick than opiates. I am sorry my mother has smoked cigarettes like a chimney since she was 11 years old, so she has been an active smoker for almost 45 years. Now, I have personally witness her go 3 days without cigarettes while unemployed, and why yes her attitude and edginess was through the roof, but she never went above and beyond and did vile and selfish things to obtain a cigarette. However, I have had friends who have died and lived with long heroin habits who stole from their own loved ones in the middle of the night for one bag to soothe their sickness. Never have I seen a cigarette smoker resort to pawning, stealing and hustling for a cigarette. Or maybe I just have not noticed n that regards. keep it up Tracey and I will keep on a reading!! Take care. Patrick-

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  2. Wow......extremely powerful words....once again you cured my need for a fix of H...Tracey "H" that is....totally addicted to your blog. JF

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