These are writings from a loved one of one of my regular readers. This person left behind a child and some writings I hope you enjoy .
WAY TOO MUCH EXPERIENCE. seriously ive been addicted since i cut my calf damn near off while kicking through a window while drunk. once again mars can vouch for this, he was there. when i asked him how it looked he said "it looks like two hamburger patties fighting every time you take a step. up until this night i HONESTLY DID NOT KNOW WHAT PAINKILLERS WERE. so i went to the ER and they gave m morphine and stitched me up and sent me home with a script for 60 vic's. all the pharmacist said was "eat it with food it might make your stomach upset. the first time i popped i took two and threw up about an hour later and almost swore them off because the pain wasnt really that bad. but the next day i took one and filled a glass of pepsi and popped in fear and loathing in las vegas and fell asleep half way through the movie. the next morning was the same ritual. (mind you i was off work for three months to rehabilitate and relearn how to walk on my right leg) and at this point i kept the bottle of pills in the bathroom. well after about a week or so i was popping two at a time and the bottle found its way into my room next to me and it went to any room i went to and stayed in my sight. well now its a few weeks and im poppin 3 at a time and the bottle STAYS in my pocket very near me where i can touch it and hear the pills, even the sound of them rattling around was fuckin euphoric. i dont think anyone realizes just how hooked i was AND TRULY DIDNT KNOW IT. so now im going to my follow up appontment and the doc asks how the pain is and i found myself lying to get more pills. again i get another 60 with 2 refills. those bottles last about a month and i found myself panicked that i had no pills. so at this point i call the doc and he tells me im released to go back to work and my leg shouldnt hurt anymore and to just take ibuprofen. i was heartbroken, i truly felt like my world just crashed around me. so i went back to work and was talking to this guy i work with and he asks what they gave me for pain and i told him vic's and he asked if i had anymore (looking back he was a pill popper too and was prayong on me, much like ive done to people in the pastwho are unknowing) and i said no and he said "you know how to get more? tell the doc your back hurts, they cant prove it doesnt" worst advice ive ever taken. i took that little gem of advice and fucking ran with it. now ive got 3 doctors who dont know that im seeing all three. one in brentwood, antioch, pittsburg. all contra costa health care (free). and im getting 3 scripts for vicodin, one doc gives 60 a month, one gives me 30 per week, one give me 30 a month. and if i ran out i hit the ER with back pain and got hooked up with scripts. this was my life from about 21 years old til 26 years old. not to mention that i had now found street dealers and graduated to oxys percs soma klonopin xanax valium etc..
ok so while im doing all this madness i get this terrible pain in my side one day and HAVE to go to the ER. so i go and the doc tells me to piss in a cup. so i do and he tells me i might have a kidney stone so he does a cat scan and sure enough ive got two big ass stones in my left kidney and i passed a little one. he sends me home with a script for perc's and im on my way. ALL THE SUDDEN I HAD A NEW ANGLE! I went back to all those ER's i already hit for "back pain" and re did the gimmick with "kidney stones". HERES WHERE I KNOW IM A SICK ADDICT: i would go to the ER and tell them about the side pain and when they would have me piss in a cup i would piss in it and then rip off a hangnail on my finger and dump the blood into the specimen cup. instant kidney stone. i did this and the back thing at EVERY ER FROM SAN JOSE TO SACRAMENTO AND EVERY FUCKING ONE INBETWEEN. IM now red flagged at about 16 different ER's for opiate abuse. ive been told straight up by ER docs that they know what im doing and im flagged. WALGREENS even has me flagged to this day for narcotics, they wil lnever fill a narcotic script for me again. im talkin im poppin 20-30 vics a day easy.
heres where i truly know ima junkie. this is the hardest thing for me to ever admit to anyone, my grandfather who raised me since i was about 4 (my mom and i lived with him and my grandma) was dying of throat cancer. i would stop in and see him here and there, he lived in union city. one day i went to visit him and every one in the house was gone including him. i knew he had passed cause he had one of those hospital beds in his room and never left it. so i knew he passed away and i sat in the room crying for a while and then some sick voice in my head said "check his pill bottles i bet hes got vic's" and he did and i took the bottle on my way out. <---that moment will haunt me forever. words dont describe the shame.
PART 4: HOW TO RACK UP A $1,000 TAB WITH THE HELLS ANGELS
kodoggs measly fuckin debt he owes a few people reminded me of the time i owed roughly a thousand bucks to the red and white. at the time i was working at a tire shop in town and bouncing at irelands 32 in SF. irelands 32 is a cool ass irish bar out there that the HA frequented. the member i met lived out my way and had a mean hook on oxy's. seeing as how we were all white/irish/ and big ass whiteboys i fit right in and was trusted within their circle.oxy purchases were daily and it got to the point where he asked if i needed anything and i told him i was broke and he said "dont worry bro i'll put it on your tab". and there you have it, oxy on credit and life was good. workin on cars dont pay the bills like it used to and i was literally handing over my checks to this guy cause i wouild run up a 400-500 dollar tab in a week. well one time a week turned into 2 weeks and i was all outta pills and called him up and he said " bro you know were at a thousand right? are you sure you can pay this? cause i cant front you til you pay this." i assured him i would have the loot that friday no problem. friday came and i had about 600 bucks. what do i do? remember ive got no pills. i go and cop some from someone else. now i got a grip of oc's no money and my good friend is leaving some very nasty voice messages on my cell phone. so i popped a buncha pills and got the courage and called him up. he answered the phone literally sayin "rich i dont wanna kill you over a thousand bucks". most threats like that are pretty much empty and if the average guy says that to me i'd probably samck em, but this was no idle threat from some asshole, this guy meant business. i called my brother in law and he loaned me the cash and i payed up. moral of the story- dont get fronted
tuesdays,thursdays ive heard they do warrant sweeps and seen it first hand on a thursday. you know the hills a crazy place. i just went back there TODAY (yeah i know i just warned everyone and shit but hey im a junkie fuck.) and it was all good. and yeah gas i know bout the substation, thats been there for a while, but even still that place was like the wild west. the thing i liked about the hill back in the good ol' days was the simple fact that all the degenerate junkies had a code they followed strictly. they would always yell if there was a family with kids walking up and everyone would put their shit up while the family walked by. they would never smoke crack in front of the kindergarten school right next to that old ass church. they were over all well mannered junkies and crackheads. i actually saw on a few occasions a crack head get beat up by his fellow crackheads for not following the "code".
BUT I DID LEARN SOMETHING TODAY THAT COULD BE USEFUL TO ANYONE: apparently the fandanglers are painting pills that are about the same size and shape as OC's (both original and generic) and ripping people off. so just another buyer beware. theyre real slick about it too, they'll show you one REAL oc then when you ahnd them the money they give ya 3 fakes.
just lookin out for my fellow pill hunters.
OH BY THE WAY- i had to go to the hill today cause my good friend hoodratmatt bought every last methadone pill from the guy i usually get them from. isnt that cute? i'm nice enough to hook mat up with this guy adn how does he return the favor? he fucks me.
yesterday i got blood work back. i contracted hep c. not sure how i got it. it couldve been from all the unprotected sex. it couldve been all the homemade tattoos. it probably was the needle play. i'm no stranger to the local shooting gallery and love blood play. my doc told me yesterday that my liver is like swiss cheese at this point and HOPEFULLY it will regenerate a portion back. i can remember half of the shit i did while gone off benzo's and H and painkillers. maybe i didnt practice safe needle use like i "thought" i did. towards the end of this last run (and arson can vouch for this as he saw it first hand two times at least) i suffered from horrible delirium tremens (d.t's), to the point i dropped the cooker cause i was shaking uncontrollably while trying to fix. and to think i was worried about wasted dope spilt on the carpet. next up is an aids test. the blood work was just a routine check up on my organs cause of the massive amounts of shit i was taking. i never thought it was gonna play out like this. you ever get that real sick feeling you get when you hear bad news? ya. times it by about ten.
ima keep it real gentlemen. i just got off the phone with my dear friend that ive know for 17 years in real life g-dubb/ both in tears. im HIV positive. im at a loss of words. thid post is tear filled
gentlemen, like i told a close friend. please take heed and thank me for going through this so you dont have to make the same mistakes i did. if you wouldve asked me when i was 20 if i was gonna be an addict i wouldve laughed in your face. welcome the reality after ten years of avoiding it at all costs.
this is not a pity party. im not looking for sympathy. just stating facts. cause i now understand the pros and cons of living the lifestyle i did