Saturday, January 25, 2014

Guilt

The other day my daughter went into the kitchen. She turned on the light. She pulled open the door to the refrigerator. She scanned the food that was present and selected yogurt. She went to the drawer, got a spoon, and sat down. She opened the yogurt by herself and started to eat alone in the kitchen.

This event may not be significant to the rest of the world. To me, it was both exhilarating and scary at the same time. My child did not need me. She didn't call for me to help her. She didn't need me to prepare anything for her. She had some form of independence. Suddenly, I shrank into the couch. I was not needed by my little girl. What does this new chapter mean for me?

I saw myself in her. What choices lead to my decision to use drugs for the first time. She is six years old. Am I a good model for her? By the time I was five, I was playing truth or dare underneath the picnic table with my neighbor. By the time I was seven, I had gotten high on weed. What can I do to protect my child from these things.

When she turns thirteen, will she ask me how I used to stick needles in my arms? What it mean for my kids to know that I was a junkie hooker wearing clothes I found on the street and eating leftover food on the top of dumpsters. What will it mean for my kids to know that I literally spent hundreds of thousands of dollars on drugs while I caused enormous suffering to everyone around me. I am not sure what I will say but I want to start the conversation. I would rather tell them myself.

Guilt is a useless emotion. It keeps us stuck in our sickness. It tells us "why bother?" Why should I change when it will not matter. I chose to avoid guilt when I think of my past. I did the things I did in the past. I don't do those things anymore. I am okay with myself and the choices I made in life because I have no choice but to accept them to not repeat them. I may not be perfect but I am okay just being me. "And all of you should be okay being you..." 


7 comments:

  1. You're so on point. Thank you for writing this.

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  2. Always love reading your stuff ;) thanks for the care package -ry

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  3. Somewhere in WyomingJanuary 27, 2014 at 11:59 PM

    Wow, I know I would be so filled with apprehension that my escapist self would hope the subjects would never come up/be found out about by my children. This was one subject I didn't have to broach with my children, as my ex told them what was happening when she (rightfully) booted me out of our house. I am sorry they had to suffer from my addiction, and am grateful they have forgiven me and we still have a relationship. You have a big advantage in the fact that you waited to have children until you became clean. I too, thank you for writing this.

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    1. Well that is good that you have a relationship with your kids. My relationship with my own father was very strained due to his addiction (and mine)

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  4. I felt every word as if I was writing it myself. I'm still addicted. Trying so hard to quit. Being so mad at myself for being so sick, that I get so sick after one day of not having anything, that I'm on the phone ordering my fix. A fix that is so expensive just to feel okay for 3 or 4 days until I'm ready to try to quit again. My story started as so many do; a very violent and scary childhood which started the PTSD and so many other mental issues. Then I was used, cheated on, stolen from and heart broken over and over by so many women I would've died a million deaths for. I remember my first major injury. The doctor prescribed the devil in disguise to ease my pain. It not only eased my physical pain, I noticed it eased my mental and emotional pain. Everything seemed better as those evil pills dulled all the pain and made life seem so much better. When I finally realized I had a bad problem, I decided to go to the clinic to trade one substance for another. At the clinic I met another Devil. Actually a couple. Maybe the devil and his demons? I'm not sure but I know they're all evil. The evil or demon asked me if I'd ever tried H. I said no. He asked if I'd like to. I said yes. And here I sit writing this years later. My head filled daily with thoughts of ending it all. I pray for you all. I pray you find a way out if you haven't yet and I congratulate and admire those of you who have. How I wish I could.

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    1. Thank you for pouring your heart out here

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