The Parasite

I have many regrets.
I regret the day I decided to stick a needle in my arm.
I don't remember why anymore.
Why did we shoot up Vicodin?
Were we really that bored?
Why couldn't we be like everyone else?
Happy with a few beers and our Vicodin.
God, why couldn't we have been those people?
So high off a few beers.
It doesn't matter.
It is done.

I regret the day I turned my first trick.
I got money to buy heroin.
I went to a hotel with old man.
$40 while he stared at me.
I was naked on the bed.
He told me I was beautiful.
I almost believed him.
See, how easy this was...
My friend told me it was so easy.
$40 dollars was so easy.
Now we have some drugs. Yay.
It doesn't matter.
It is done.

I regret the way I stole from my parents.
I regret the way I used their confidence.
I regret the way I lied to them.
Give me more money.
Help me. I'm clean.
Heroin and I live a symbiotic relationship.
We get curled together.
Our mind. Our thoughts.
More. Get me more.
I used you.
I used you.
I used everyone around me.
I sucked people dry.

I have many regrets.
We all have many regrets.
The harm I did to others-
Some days I regret this more.
The people who loved me.
They didn't have it coming.
It wasn't their disease.

Heroin changed me.
I was once a daughter, a friend.
It changed me.

Can you love me now?
Can you love me?
I have freed myself.
Relived myself of this parasite.
Removed the shadow.
It clouded everything around me.
Can you love me for the soul I once was?
The friend I hope to be?
The person underneath the shell.



Comments

  1. Dean a 90s kidDecember 2, 2015 at 6:22 PM

    Do you ever get the itch, to use again?what do you do to squash them? BTW I love your stories

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. traceyh415December 2, 2015 at 6:26 PM

      I had three c-sections and was prescribed opioids for pain after the surgeries. I had to go through withdrawal with the first one. It really made me realize that I don't like that feeling of being out of control anymore. I really like my life today. It makes me want to be present. I sometimes miss that feeling of having no responsibilities.

      Delete
  2. RocketQueenDecember 3, 2015 at 12:55 PM

    Relatable. As always!! Thank you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. traceyh415December 14, 2015 at 6:19 AM

      Thanks for reading. I am behind writing my blog this week. I hope to catch up soon

      Delete
  3. BrandonDecember 13, 2015 at 11:50 PM

    We might not all have the exact same story, but in my opinion all addicts have lots of similarities when it comes to thinking.

    ReplyDelete

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