A Life Without Drugs

I get lots and lots of questions. Some days, I might get up to 50 messages. I get questions about the movie "Black Tar Heroin." I get questions about naloxone. I get a few hate message. The main question I get over and over is "What is life like without drugs?"

What is life like without drugs? That isn't an easy question to answer. First of all, every person is different. Every "bottom" is different. The reasons people want to quit are different. No one was pressuring me to stop. Despite the fact that I was homeless, depressed, and lying to everyone including my family I still did not feel any pressure to stop. Despite the fact that my health was in complete disrepair, I brushed off various symptoms. I was underweight. I was having heart palpitations from stimulant use. I had cavities and a whole in my tooth where a filling used to be. I had a few large healing abscesses. I had no glasses. I hadn't had them for years. I am unable to properly navigate the world without them. Well, I did have some glasses. they were stolen from a car and not my prescription. Someone gave them to me, thinking it was better than having to be my seeing eye bro. I was shooting up in the palms of my hands, my knuckles, the soles of my feet, the veins that run along my stomach.

 Despite all this evidence, I didn't feel any pressure to quit. I felt overwhelmed by the idea of having to climb this mountain of problems. Where would I start? The housing? My health? I was running from probation. Do that first? What about the Hep C? The possibility of HIV? I felt like I was drowning in ice water. I would occasionally come up for air, the heat of the world made me burn in pain, like my skin was being scraped off by the sunlight. 

What is life like without drugs? It is hard. It starts out. You stop using. You worry about shitting the bed. You jack off, you cry. You bed someone to kill you. You pray for death. You feel things for the first time. Generally, your dick comes first or your genitals in general. Then your stomach. Then water comes from your eyes. You realize you are crying, like really crying. Not sneezing and crying from withdrawal, but crying because dope or pills have been your best friend for so long. Dope has been that ride or die. You have spent your time and energy with dope. Why does it have to end life this? Because it does. 

It doesn't matter if you quit cold turkey, use meds, get on subs or methadone or whatever. You still feel that loss. It stings. It hurts. You wake up one morning like "where has the past months/years gone?" You look at pictures and realize you were not there. You look in your phone and realized you haven't spoke to that person. You want to eat something and realize you don't even know what to eat anymore if it isn't sour patch kids or ice cream or something off the 99c menu. Oh fuck. You woke up one day and you are alive again. 

That, that is the brilliant part. I AM ALIVE AGAIN. You will feel this rush one day. There will be this overwhelming rush. After the sadness, after the remorse, will be an overwhelming rush. There will be this feeling life maybe life isn't so bad. Maybe, I can be myself again. The air smells fresh, my dick is hard, there is a few dollars in my pocket. I heard myself laugh today. Maybe I can do this. I can sleep. I can eat. I can smile. I can function without drugs. And I am going to be okay. You will look in the mirror and know you are going to be okay. That feeling is golden. You are golden. Life begins in that moment. 

What is life like without drugs? I cuddle up with my kids, with my cats, with my husband. I enjoy the fuck out of a good comforter. I like to eat, a little too much. I like to walk outside. I like to smile here and there. I don't know how to explain it. I have some FREEDOM. I could return to drugs. I could drink or smoke pot. I don't though. I just don't feel it would enhance my life. I don't knock other people that do. Not everyone fell as far as me. Not everyone is as fucking crazy as me. Period. I don't judge. I get to love people. People love me. Just like they love you. 

Whatever path you chose, be safe. 
Tracey XOXO. 

Comments

  1. louis365December 6, 2015 at 6:33 AM

    Another nice passage. It's very hard to picture you with a dick though Tracy :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. UnknownDecember 14, 2015 at 4:19 AM

    Tracey, this may be my favorite passage after re reading it over and over. Everything you said is so true. For anyone that's thinking about or on the brink of getting clean, it is hard but the moment she talks about when you feel aluve is so worth it. It will be okay and you can be you again :-)

    I just had a recent fall but I'm pic king up the pieces again. Love what you do Tracey.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. traceyh415December 14, 2015 at 6:15 AM

      This is something people ask me but I generally don't get a chance to answer easily so I tried to put my thoughts in one place

      Delete
  3. UnknownDecember 17, 2015 at 8:10 AM

    It came out perfect and appreciated

    ReplyDelete
  4. UnknownDecember 23, 2015 at 7:21 PM

    You're such an inspiration. I am trying to quit right now and reading this always helps- charlie <3

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. traceyh415December 23, 2015 at 7:23 PM

      I hope you are successful in quitting

      Delete
    2. UnknownDecember 23, 2015 at 7:45 PM

      I'm trying ;) text me sometime soon I always like to hear from you and I still wear your necklace daily

      Delete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Black Tar Heroin 10 questions answered

Image
I want to get this in one place. Here you go When was the film made? The film was made from Dec 1995 to Dec 1997. Originally the film was supposed to be for one year but I believe when HBO picked up the film they wanted two years. How were you picked for the film? Steven met a bunch of different people at the youth needle exchange. He wanted subjects that were slightly younger than me. He filmed a few other people  that never made it into the final film Were you paid for the film? No. I was not paid for the film. he bought me a hotel to stay in for a week and bought me lunch a few times. I think they left some money for me when I was in jail too. Documentary film makers, in general, don't pay their subjects. Was I friends with the other people from the film ? Sort of. I never knew Alice. I met Oreo when he was 15 or 16. He was VERY young when the film was made. His mom used to work the desk in one of the hotels I lived in. Jake and I used to hang out. At one point h...
Read more

Ben (revised)

Image
Ben was heroin addled fantasy from a time when I would rather be with someone that barely loved me than be alone. I had just been released from jail after six long months. I had been using in the jail up until the last 45 days. This is did not give me much time to construct any type of recovery. I had spent most my time of planning for things that would never happen. My first week in jail was spent recovering from surgery. When I was arrested, I had four large abcesses. An abcess is a place where bacteria gets under the skin and the flesh starts to rot. I had to have surgery on my arm. When I took of the bandage, I cried. Not because I was in the hospital, not because I was in jail. I cried because they had sliced open my tattoo! The horror of it all. I used to take a sterile needle and cut them open myself. Needless to say, my nickname was the abcess queen. When I was back on the streets, I felt hopeless. I gave up my homeless encampment living for a hotel with some financial ...
Read more

Jamie

   Being able to fall apart is a luxury many people don’t have. They carry their burdens until it breaks them.  Miss Jamie was one of the most aesthetically pleasing  women I had ever seen in my life. She simply glowed. When she entered a room, everyone had to stop to pay attention. She took that space over. Her smile was radiant. Her energy was infectious. She was a fireball of a human. Her petite frame was always draped with carefully selected skirts, dresses, and form fitting sweaters. She paired this with her signature plum lipstick and acrylics.  She always came late in the day, usually when I had the lowest energy. Yet, I never refused her entrance. I was happy to see her. Happy to listen to her while she held court in my desk area.      On this day, Jamie was wheeled into the clinic by a person I had never seen before. Instead of scrubs, he looked as if he had woken up on the streets. He looked left like a caretaker, more like a pe...
Read more