Dopesick Love- PART 1

He was sitting on the concrete. I barely noticed him there. I was on a mission. I had two balloons in my mouth. One for now, one for later and I needed a quick place to fix my heroin. It had taken me all day to get my money. Why would I notice another sick junkie? I nearly tripped on his feet.

Our eyes met WATCH WHERE YOU ARE GOING is what he had planned to say to me. When our eyes met, he whispered "Oh, fuck." This was the kind of statement a person make when they have come upon something so glorious and so destructive at the same time- the force that pulls two junkies together. He had a baby face. He had one of those soft sort of half formed mustaches that was not quite whiskers. He had on a baggy t-shirt and some loose army pants, the black kind, with plenty of pockets, to hold all of his belongings. You could tell he was rail thin under his clothes. I wanted to touch his collarbones. He had wavy short hair and was shorter than most of the men, if you could call him a man. He had the face like a boy and the eyes of an experienced hustler. He jumped up from the hot bricks of the sidewalk.

"Where are you going?" Time froze for one second. For one second, it was like a real love story from any movie. Boy meets girl. There are butterflies. They have this instant attraction. But this wasn't the movies. This was the streets of San Francisco and I was fucking dopesick so fuck romance. I never said a word to him. He just started walking and talking to me.

I was a few feet in front of him. I did not care at this point. I was sick as fuck. I walked up a four car lengths. I was in a good spot in the alley where I could see the police in either direction. I sat on the curb. Then the dry heaves hit me. FUUUUUUCCCCCCKKKK. I was trying to get my dope out of my mouth so I wouldn't throw it up into a storm drain. I felt his hand on my shoulder. He was moving my hair so I didn't get puke and snot on it. That face. Those eyes. 

He never said- here let me help you. He reached in his pants and pulled out his cooker. He moved me to the side so he could sit down. I couldn't talk- I was too sick. 

"My name is Daniel." He completely took over. I let him. I handed him my drugs. I pulled up my pants and got a clean rig from my sock. I tried to say that I was not sharing but I was still heaving at the impending dope. He knew I was going to share. I was going to share everything with him. He reached into my balled hands to get the drugs like a mouse approaching a crouched tiger. I opened up my hand. That was the moment I gave him everything. 



He never asked me I was going to share with him. He did everything for me. With a profound speed, he prepared my drugs while I puked on the side walk between my legs. He has a cooker, water, wipes, everthing in those pockets. He held up my hot syringe and pushed up my sleeve before I could protest. "Damn girl- you got no veins!"

He reached down and pulled out his shoe lace and wrapped it around my arm. Why did I trust him? I had no choice. I needed him. I needed him at that moment more than I needed anyone in the entire universe. He looked at the back of my arm. Before I could argue that it was impossible to hit me there, he stuck the needle in. As I felt the warm come over me, I no longer wanted to be alone. I wanted to be held, to be adored by this man. 

He had saved himself a very healthy cotton. He looked around for traffic, the police, anyone who could interrupt this moment. 

"I'm doing this- okay?" What? He is asking? Why is he asking me anyway. What the fuck. It is only a quarter gram. The sense is starting to pump through me again. Who the fuck is this dude? Once the rush wore off, I saw him in a different light. He wasn't a hero anymore. He was an opportunistic fuck face trying to use me for my dope. Where is my other bag? Somehow I managed not to give it up in my moment. 

"OK dude. You can have that. I got to bounce." As I started to get up, I could see the pain on his face. he thought we were going to hang out. he thought this thing had started between us. He thought that I was going to be some fucking lightweight that was going to kick back and sun myself after less than a quarter gram. And then, he saw I was not that person. And he liked me even more. Because he was not that guy either. 

He reached out for my wrist "...babe. Seriously wait for me. Wait one minute. I promise you won't be sorry." In what seemed like less than 30 seconds, he handled all business and threw the cooker and the syringe down into the sewer grate as if he say he was not planning on coming back.

He jumped up. "You know, I know who you are Tracey. I've seen you around." I cannot tell if he is 16 or 22 but I can tell he has been watching me. He saw an opportunity and he took it. He pulled me up. He wanted to make some "real" money. He wanted to see me. He wanted to get me off the street. He wanted to get a hotel. He wanted to get inside my skin. He wanted to get inside my mind. He knew that many men had fucked me. He just wanted to know me. He just wanted to touch my hair. He wanted me to know I was more than a piece of ass or a way to get a fix. He loved me. He talked me into taking a risk and loving him.

"I don't want to fuck you Tracey. I just want to love you."









Comments

  1. AnonymousJanuary 8, 2014 at 12:46 AM

    great read,I like your writing style, the emotions you convey with words continue to bring me back to this blog. Your story manages to share the ugly truth of addiction, but also humanizes addicts and reminds people that we have feelings and are human too. You capture many aspects of the life of a user, please continue to educate and promote harm reduction. These stories can save lives and keep some from never going down this path, thank you Tracey for your dedication to helping others that are struggling to make it through the day with an 800 lb gorilla on their back and a lot of demons,, JF

    ReplyDelete
  2. UnknownJanuary 8, 2014 at 10:17 PM

    Tracey I am in tears , I don't think you realize how much I loved Spanky and just what he meant to me, Spending many years on the Streets of SF, as you know we come across many people who use us as wellas we us them,Having Spanky walk into my life was like have a real family member with me out there to love and me and for me to love back, we are brothers in every since of the word, He was so young, and all I wanted to do is try and protect him from the Hollywood Dave"s and every other sicko out there, we had each others back, and he was loyal to me, Never have I hurt so bad when we lost him, I couldn't protect him anymore,My brother had gone on to be with the lord and that I know with my whole heart, I miss him so much. Thanks for sharing,

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  3. AnonymousJanuary 9, 2014 at 5:58 AM

    wow

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    Replies
    1. traceyh415January 9, 2014 at 6:03 AM

      I guess that means you like the story

      Delete
    2. AnonymousJanuary 14, 2014 at 1:08 PM

      yeah i do like your stories. thankyou for sharing you inspire me greatly. I really appreciate the work you do it is a great service and gives me hope that things can change for the better!

      Delete
  4. AnonymousJanuary 9, 2014 at 12:26 PM

    your posts nearly leave me in tears every time.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. traceyh415January 9, 2014 at 12:29 PM

      I hope that is a good thing. It is always good to feel something

      Delete
  5. AnonymousJanuary 9, 2014 at 7:34 PM

    this is so beautiful it hurts

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. traceyh415January 9, 2014 at 7:51 PM

      Thank you so much for reading and saying that

      Delete
  6. AnonymousJanuary 11, 2014 at 6:35 PM

    once again, thank you.

    ReplyDelete
  7. AnonymousJanuary 14, 2014 at 7:45 AM

    Hello Tracy, I am also from Butler County,however,Hamilton. I am sure you have heard that we are experiencing an epidemic of Heroin addiction and deaths. I am also in recovery from Opiate addiction,I am actually dually addicted and I am one of the few that have survived from my circle of users.I am actually the last one left alive or who is living a so-called "normal" life.Meaning I live legally and sober and have nothing to do with that world. I thankfully was not a heroin user, but,I was heading that way when I finally hit bottom in 1995. I relapsed in about 08' but I have almost 5 years to the good again.

    . Sometimes, I actually suffer from survivors guilt. I was the worst of the group, however I think that is what saved me,because I kept trying to stop,by the time I was 21 I was in my first detox and I kept trying and trying.I stopped in 1995,thankfully before the Oxy-Contins and Heroin hit Hamilton. I was flabbergasted when I moved back to Hamilton in about 07' after leaving in 01', because the Heroin had taken control of the city,or so it seemed. I am 46 and there was not any Heroin that me or my friends knew of in Hamilton when I was growing up and even in my early 20's, if you wanted any you had to drive to Cincy or Dayton to get it. We are losing so many of our young people at an alarming rate. I am going to try to share your story more,because it really does help that you basically have came from the same place and have survived. Some of my friends who have children who have become victims of this disgusting drug are rallying together to try and stop this epidemic. Thanks for you having the courage to allow people to see the ugly side of life.As smart as you are,even though your mind was not working like it should while you were in active addiction you still could have comprehended the impact this movie could have had on your life,later in life. Even though you did not expect to live, as I didn't either,you always knew their was a chance you would and you knew your family would see the movie and being selfless like you are is an admirable character. I saw a lot of similarities in our lives and especially being told that you are the smart one all your life then screwing up so bad. Because people in your life expected so much more from you because of that intelligence.(at least in my case) I also think my intelligence made it so much harder to get clean, I fully recognized how much of a F-up I was. I almost did not make it back when I relapsed, because the guilt and shame was almost unbearable,I was not a young girl,I was a woman this time. Every time I am having it bad I read your blog or watch the doc and it really helps. Sorry for blabbing!!! Not too many people understand. Thanks again for selflessness!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. traceyh415January 14, 2014 at 7:49 AM

      I get contacted by ppl too from the area and I am so surprised at how much heroin is there. Exactly we had to drive to Dayton or NY to get it. We had dilaudid or morphine but no heroin or at least not much. The first time I had withdrawal, no one could explain what was wrong with me. Now , it's everywhere.

      Delete
  8. AnonymousJanuary 14, 2014 at 1:49 PM

    I personally would like to hear more about this "Hollywood dave" character and/or any of the other "sickos" that were active in SF during the mid to late 90s. any stories?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. traceyh415January 14, 2014 at 2:13 PM

      Oh God. So many. Alot are in my book. There is so much Tenderloin oral history

      Delete
  9. AnonymousJanuary 14, 2014 at 2:52 PM

    plz jus give me a tidbit of one pleaaaaase! ill def buy yur book fershure but I'm jus hella curious Tracey, if u want u can evendirect message a story to me on Instagram, I am @slickstreets

    ReplyDelete
  10. cestlavie-goodriddanceJanuary 17, 2014 at 2:01 PM

    Wow... goosebumps Tracey!

    ReplyDelete

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