My inner critic

I am in a very fragile place in my mind. In the process of writing my book, I have dragged up a wide assortment of painful memories and real life horror stories. What I do not need right now is critics. There are always critics and haters. Generally, I have a pretty thick skin. Now, right now, I am not in the mood to deal with critics. I am not listening to you.

Long, long ago there was a young girl named Tracey. She was very naive and she still believed in love. She met a man. He was a hustler. This was long before drugs. Long before the Tenderloin. This was naive Midwest love where it is supposed to have a happy ending to the story. 

This man claimed to love me. I let him into my being. I absorbed him. He conned his way into my life, my heart. He promised me I was the one. Instead, I was one of many. Most of all, he made me question my confidence in myself. He told me I was fat, I was stupid, I was never going to be shit, I was never going to do shit, and I was nothing with out him. Then he promised he loved me. He got my name tattooed on his neck. Then he fucked my best friend. Yeah. Ouch. 

I had a mild nervous breakdown after this relationship ended at 20. The drugs started within a few weeks. I was nothing, nothing without him. Or so I thought for many years.  My ego is much, much stronger now. But I still want YOU to love me. I still want you to understand me. Why her- why not me- what the fuck is wrong with me. I am over those questions. Your praise is important to me now. You deserve me. You love me.

I'm writing my story. I digging into these painful details. I am not listening you right now. My inner critic (my outer ones too) can fuck off for the time being while I live my life. I Iove myself today. I accept myself. I am tuning you out. 

Comments

  1. AnonymousAugust 12, 2013 at 11:02 PM

    Stay strong Tracey. I'm always pulling for you. I've been fighting my past memories too. After 25 years clean and 2 teenagers I still deal with the pain of my past.when telling my 16 year old daughter good nite . I remembered that I was living in a fricking brothel at that age. I did a lot of acid and speed . The other day I saw a stupid B movie called Sonny. By Nicholas cage this was about my life I was married to that guy that movie was about my life and that guy was my first husband . I worked for his mother and I have tried to hide everything for a long time. To see that movie messed with me. I just wanted to let that go somewhere and this seems like a safe place to do it. I'm glad to see that you are still doing well

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. traceyh415August 13, 2013 at 9:42 AM

      Yes. thanks for reading. I thought some of the readers might understand what I am going through. I have a friend that I talk with that seems to understand and that is helping right now. Feel free to email me traceyh415@gmail.com

      Delete
  2. UnknownAugust 13, 2013 at 10:05 AM

    movie stars and singers give us fantasy land! You Give HOPE, which is going to be someone's reality!

    ReplyDelete
  3. VictoriaFebruary 15, 2015 at 8:32 PM

    God you just told my story... Shitty hustler drug dealing BF screwed my best friend while I was pregnant, I had an abortion and started dipping into the supply. We were full blown addicts in a matter of weeks. Still haven't cleaned up, but trying. Thank you for having the heart to tell your story, it gives the still sick and suffering some hope!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. traceyh415February 15, 2015 at 8:37 PM

      Thanks for reading. Getting clean is hard as fuck but well worth it

      Delete

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