Cravings

One of the questions I recently received from a reader : Do you still have cravings? This is an excellent question. The answer is complicated but i will attempt to explain my view. There are two types of cravings. The first type is the fuck it all cravings. I may have a day or a week clean but something sets off that feeling in my brain. I know the drugs have some power of me. Why? Because I am willing to say fuck it all. Fuck you, fuck this, fuck it. I need a hit. I can not take this shit anymore. At this point, it takes some type of near divine intervention to stop the process ie you can't find it, you can't get money, your kid or mom calls you at the last second, you car breaks down etc. 

After the compulsion to use ends, you get different kinds of cravings. These are the kind I experience today. They aren't quite fuck it- I'm clear using drugs doesn't work for me. They are like - damn I wish I could have some relief right now. I may be upset, tired, angry, or whatever and having something I could use to fix my emotions would be appreciated at that moment. Those feelings are temporary. If I run with those feelings, they can turn into a fuck it all craving. So I don't let myself marinate in my own misery. I find something to relieve my stress. Many drug addicts turn to food, shopping, sex, gambling, coffee until we learn positive outlets. I am clean but I am not cured of my behaviors. 

So as long as I keep myself removed from drugs and deal with my emotions, I am preventing those fuck it all cravings from taking over my body. We can do this thing. We can take control of our lives. I love you and you know this...


Comments

  1. mielkayAugust 17, 2013 at 8:33 PM

    Food is my craving. Although I'm not obese I am a diabetic. The stress this week learning about my family member's heroin addiction caused me to eat things I'm not allowed to. I caught myself by the third day before it became detrimental to my own health. My own diagnosis was in April, around the same time she began abusing heroin. I'm struggling coming to terms with diabetes because of years of poor eating habits. Part of my personal problems began with a severe back injury. I was less active and I gained weight. I had surgery and spent a few months immobile.

    I know we have a long road ahead of us. I'm so frightened for her. I just wonder if she's being honest about when the drugs started. We do know she only started injecting a month ago. She only has track marks on one arm. I'm sorry for bothering you with our problems.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. traceyh415August 19, 2013 at 9:46 AM

      You are not bothering me at all. This is a good place to vent your frustrations.

      Delete
  2. UnknownJuly 3, 2014 at 1:28 AM

    you are truly an inspiration. i look forward to starting anotha clean and sober day with one or two readings from this blog. thank u for reminding me that recovery is happening and keeps happening for anyone who honestly wants it. POWA, jen

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Black Tar Heroin 10 questions answered

Image
I want to get this in one place. Here you go When was the film made? The film was made from Dec 1995 to Dec 1997. Originally the film was supposed to be for one year but I believe when HBO picked up the film they wanted two years. How were you picked for the film? Steven met a bunch of different people at the youth needle exchange. He wanted subjects that were slightly younger than me. He filmed a few other people  that never made it into the final film Were you paid for the film? No. I was not paid for the film. he bought me a hotel to stay in for a week and bought me lunch a few times. I think they left some money for me when I was in jail too. Documentary film makers, in general, don't pay their subjects. Was I friends with the other people from the film ? Sort of. I never knew Alice. I met Oreo when he was 15 or 16. He was VERY young when the film was made. His mom used to work the desk in one of the hotels I lived in. Jake and I used to hang out. At one point he had
Read more

Ben (revised)

Image
Ben was heroin addled fantasy from a time when I would rather be with someone that barely loved me than be alone. I had just been released from jail after six long months. I had been using in the jail up until the last 45 days. This is did not give me much time to construct any type of recovery. I had spent most my time of planning for things that would never happen. My first week in jail was spent recovering from surgery. When I was arrested, I had four large abcesses. An abcess is a place where bacteria gets under the skin and the flesh starts to rot. I had to have surgery on my arm. When I took of the bandage, I cried. Not because I was in the hospital, not because I was in jail. I cried because they had sliced open my tattoo! The horror of it all. I used to take a sterile needle and cut them open myself. Needless to say, my nickname was the abcess queen. When I was back on the streets, I felt hopeless. I gave up my homeless encampment living for a hotel with some financial
Read more

Jamie

   Being able to fall apart is a luxury many people don’t have. They carry their burdens until it breaks them.  Miss Jamie was one of the most aesthetically pleasing  women I had ever seen in my life. She simply glowed. When she entered a room, everyone had to stop to pay attention. She took that space over. Her smile was radiant. Her energy was infectious. She was a fireball of a human. Her petite frame was always draped with carefully selected skirts, dresses, and form fitting sweaters. She paired this with her signature plum lipstick and acrylics.  She always came late in the day, usually when I had the lowest energy. Yet, I never refused her entrance. I was happy to see her. Happy to listen to her while she held court in my desk area.      On this day, Jamie was wheeled into the clinic by a person I had never seen before. Instead of scrubs, he looked as if he had woken up on the streets. He looked left like a caretaker, more like a person in need of our services. Our patients i
Read more