The Parasite

I have many regrets.
I regret the day I decided to stick a needle in my arm.
I don't remember why anymore.
Why did we shoot up Vicodin?
Were we really that bored?
Why couldn't we be like everyone else?
Happy with a few beers and our Vicodin.
God, why couldn't we have been those people?
So high off a few beers.
It doesn't matter.
It is done.

I regret the day I turned my first trick.
I got money to buy heroin.
I went to a hotel with old man.
$40 while he stared at me.
I was naked on the bed.
He told me I was beautiful.
I almost believed him.
See, how easy this was...
My friend told me it was so easy.
$40 dollars was so easy.
Now we have some drugs. Yay.
It doesn't matter.
It is done.

I regret the way I stole from my parents.
I regret the way I used their confidence.
I regret the way I lied to them.
Give me more money.
Help me. I'm clean.
Heroin and I live a symbiotic relationship.
We get curled together.
Our mind. Our thoughts.
More. Get me more.
I used you.
I used you.
I used everyone around me.
I sucked people dry.

I have many regrets.
We all have many regrets.
The harm I did to others-
Some days I regret this more.
The people who loved me.
They didn't have it coming.
It wasn't their disease.

Heroin changed me.
I was once a daughter, a friend.
It changed me.

Can you love me now?
Can you love me?
I have freed myself.
Relived myself of this parasite.
Removed the shadow.
It clouded everything around me.
Can you love me for the soul I once was?
The friend I hope to be?
The person underneath the shell.



Comments

  1. Do you ever get the itch, to use again?what do you do to squash them? BTW I love your stories

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I had three c-sections and was prescribed opioids for pain after the surgeries. I had to go through withdrawal with the first one. It really made me realize that I don't like that feeling of being out of control anymore. I really like my life today. It makes me want to be present. I sometimes miss that feeling of having no responsibilities.

      Delete
  2. Replies
    1. Thanks for reading. I am behind writing my blog this week. I hope to catch up soon

      Delete
  3. We might not all have the exact same story, but in my opinion all addicts have lots of similarities when it comes to thinking.

    ReplyDelete

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