Saturday, October 17, 2015

Pedicure and Cats

In this picture are two of my favorite things- my fresh pedicure and my cat.

I was reflecting today on how much my life has changed. I was sitting in the spa chair at the nail place. As I was getting my legs rubbed with salt scrub, I was thinking "This feels better than heroin." Maybe, that is an exaggeration but at that moment, having a leg massage certainly felt better than heroin. Plus, here it is hours later. I'm not scheming on how I'm going to get another one in a few hours.

Let's be honest, my legs are fucked. You can't inject heroin into your legs 6-8 times a day for years and come out of that unscathed. In addition to that, street level Black Tar Heroin id full of garbage. When I first started going to 12 step meetings through the rehab, my stomach used to get super upset. It took me about a month to figure out why. It was that cheap coffee smell. It was the same smell of cooking up heroin filled to the brim with instant coffee. "The best part of waking up, is chivah in your spoon..." I suppose that should have been my commercial. Finally, my legs are fucked because coffee and bacteria lead to abscesses. The sanitary conditions of shooting drugs outside is dubious at best. Combine that with enough bacteria to blow up a petri dish. My poor legs- thanks universe for allowing me to walk today.

Finally, my cat. My cat is 13 years old. I didn't know how to love when I first stopped using drugs. Hell- I didn't even cry for the first nine months after I quit heroin. People ask me- after I quit opioids, how long will it take me to feel better. "Better" is relative. You will be able to have your first seriously satisfying poop and orgasm pretty quickly. That is feeling better, right? Emotionally, it is hard to say. For while, you may actually feel nothing. You may get depressed. You may want to break someone's face. You may feel overwhelmed. I don't have a a great answer for you. All I can promise is that your life will change, most of it will be positive. Eventually, you will feel- something.

Back to my cat, after being traumatized, used and abused for many years, I had issues with feeling. Enter Smokey the cat. The month I moved out of sober living, I got Smokey. He has taught me how to love, taught me kindness. He taught me empathy. Smokey had a tumor. He needed surgery. He has loved me. I was able to get the surgery for him. If I was on drugs, I wouldn't have been able to take care of him. I would have wanted to, I just would not have been able to manage. Smokey had a surgery that wasn't completely successful. He is happy and comfortable. I will make sure he stays that way for the rest of however much time he has left. I get to do this. I am honored to help him.

This post is to say I only had to give up one thing to get everything. Massages, cute toes, cats, love, self respect. It seems like I made the right choice.

I love you friends. XOXO Tracey


  1. One thing to get everything....HMMM....I needed to hear that and let it sink in. xo

  2. I love this post. Thanks Tracey. I'm on the east coast so I'm not sure why I keep having dreams about BTH. I guess when I quit my dreams/the monkey don't descriminate. Ha

    Thank you again, I've read all your posts a bunch and they help fill the void. <3

  3. The emotional part of getting clean is what scares me.. I dont know I would deal with being that emotionally fucked up for months.
    And just had to say, my cats name is smokey as well!

  4. My kitty Lucifer is 15 this year, I fear she doesn't have much time left.

  5. I read your blog often, and I can feel your words, literally feel them because my life is consumed by addiction. The monkey that is constantly on my back, I'm struggling right now to keep up my double life, an endless circle of lies and self loathing. I hate myself for who I am at my core. Your blog, tour stories, your strength, inspire me. I know I can quit, I want to quit, i will quit. I cannot wait to just live my life, this all consuming beast get put to bed. Thank you for all you do for all us sick, suffering, and affected by addiction.

    1. This message got me all choked up

    2. Thank you for your post. I thought I was the only one living a double life, lying to everyone I love and hating myself with a passion. It's kinda nice to know that I'm not the only person who was living that life. I hope things get better for you, and as they say... "secrets keep you sick". I finally came clean to those I love after a year of nonstop lie's and living a double life, and I have to say, even though my family felt completely betrayed, humiliated and hurt, we all cried it out and I felt so much better getting it off my chest. They don't trust me one bit, but that's my fault and I accept it. It's just one more thing I will have to work on in recovery. Hopefully one day they will forgive me. I really wish you all the best.