Saturday, October 17, 2015
Pedicure and Cats
I was reflecting today on how much my life has changed. I was sitting in the spa chair at the nail place. As I was getting my legs rubbed with salt scrub, I was thinking "This feels better than heroin." Maybe, that is an exaggeration but at that moment, having a leg massage certainly felt better than heroin. Plus, here it is hours later. I'm not scheming on how I'm going to get another one in a few hours.
Let's be honest, my legs are fucked. You can't inject heroin into your legs 6-8 times a day for years and come out of that unscathed. In addition to that, street level Black Tar Heroin id full of garbage. When I first started going to 12 step meetings through the rehab, my stomach used to get super upset. It took me about a month to figure out why. It was that cheap coffee smell. It was the same smell of cooking up heroin filled to the brim with instant coffee. "The best part of waking up, is chivah in your spoon..." I suppose that should have been my commercial. Finally, my legs are fucked because coffee and bacteria lead to abscesses. The sanitary conditions of shooting drugs outside is dubious at best. Combine that with enough bacteria to blow up a petri dish. My poor legs- thanks universe for allowing me to walk today.
Finally, my cat. My cat is 13 years old. I didn't know how to love when I first stopped using drugs. Hell- I didn't even cry for the first nine months after I quit heroin. People ask me- after I quit opioids, how long will it take me to feel better. "Better" is relative. You will be able to have your first seriously satisfying poop and orgasm pretty quickly. That is feeling better, right? Emotionally, it is hard to say. For while, you may actually feel nothing. You may get depressed. You may want to break someone's face. You may feel overwhelmed. I don't have a a great answer for you. All I can promise is that your life will change, most of it will be positive. Eventually, you will feel- something.
Back to my cat, after being traumatized, used and abused for many years, I had issues with feeling. Enter Smokey the cat. The month I moved out of sober living, I got Smokey. He has taught me how to love, taught me kindness. He taught me empathy. Smokey had a tumor. He needed surgery. He has loved me. I was able to get the surgery for him. If I was on drugs, I wouldn't have been able to take care of him. I would have wanted to, I just would not have been able to manage. Smokey had a surgery that wasn't completely successful. He is happy and comfortable. I will make sure he stays that way for the rest of however much time he has left. I get to do this. I am honored to help him.
This post is to say I only had to give up one thing to get everything. Massages, cute toes, cats, love, self respect. It seems like I made the right choice.
I love you friends. XOXO Tracey