Wednesday, October 7, 2015

Broken Toys

"Do you always play with those broken toys?" he asked me.
I nervously took a drink of my chocolate Quik. The breakfast of champions- a cinnamon roll, a Nestle Quik, and a fat shot. I had two of those three things this morning.
"what do you mean?" I asked.
He pivoted towards me for effect.
"Those men you play around with girl" he spun around in his chair "you better be using condoms."

I laughed to myself. Condoms? When was the last time I had a period. Six months? Eight months? I lost count. It isn't like I am having sex anyway. Sex to me is having someone lightly scratch my back. Sex to me is coming back to my room and having him say "look babe, I saved this for you." That hasn't happened.

In a world full of seven billion people, I gravitate towards a few people who are absolutely no good for me. The fact that I am a drug addict in the present tense doesn't make life any easier. Relationships between users seem to fall into a few general categories.

 The first would be the whipping boy. This man is nice. He is extremely nice- TOO nice. He puts up with my lies, my deceptions without question. I find it impossible to be attracted to anyone who cannot see that I can't be changed. I am the scorpion. He is my frog. As much as I would like to be in a relationship with a fully realized human being, I am turned off in a way that can't be ignored.

The second category is THUG LIFE. Bring me everything I need. We are in this together. My broken nose or black eye reveals the truth. He always has a plan- a blueprint. The great come up that will never happen. If stay together, I won't live long enough to see it.

Finally, there are my broken toys. The junkie boys that turn my world on end. From broken homes, one step away from the grave. I fall in love with the ones who ran away. The ones who are too afraid to stay. The ones who know too much about me. We share our stories of use and abuse, cuddled up together while we watch the world burn. A fleeting light, a brief shine in my world of darkness before they fade away.

What is love between two users? Is it an illusion or mutual usury? Perhaps, it is the realest thing that ever existed. Who could ever understand more than a person who has been there? Pass me the sour patch kids...

To be continued


  1. Goodness, this post couldn't hit home harder than ever....def would say I have experienced the THUG LIFE ....and the whipping boy....

    I would def say that THUG LIFE was an infatuation that turned to mutual usury. It's crazy how sucked in you get into these also....

    As for now I am in a healthy relationship with somebody who has never done anything besides you could definitely say I am with somebody safe...which I feel is okay...once in my life I feel some normalcy..and think to myself this has to be life....sometimes I miss the craziness of things and wish I wouldn't admit that...but nonetheless I am happy, clean, and can finally say life is worth living.


    1. Normalacy is good, even if it takes awhile to adjust to it

  2. Realist thing you've ever wrote in my humble opinion

    1. That means a lot from you because you have read everything