Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Anonymous from Washington

Addiction is a terrible disease. I went from being a top student with a goody-two-shoes reputation to a junkie eye soar living out of her car, scrounging up change to buy food a few times a week. Some how I never made it more than a day without H. Food, doctors visits, dentist appointments, hair cuts, and all hygiene went out the window. I left to college and immediately dropped out because my addiction to smoking Percocet was controlling my life. I would be so sick the few days that I made it back to college that I couldn't even get up to go to class. I dropped out, moved in with my boyfriend, but with in a few months we had blown through the thousands of dollars. When pills got to expensive and became scarce we moved to heroin. We were forced to live in my car barely getting by. In all actuality, I wasn't forced to do anything. I had a loving caring family and many great friends. I had tons of people around me who would have helped if I had asked. I was always the good girl that would never get into drugs. I used for years and was struggling. I was drowning and screaming for help, but no one threw me a line. No one saw what I was going through because I hid it. I have heard so many recovery addicts say that they thought they were so sneaky, but everyone knew. That was not the case for me. I had a couple months clean when I finally told my family I was an addict. They were shocked. Completely shocked and horrified. They want to help, but they are still struggling with the misconception that addiction is a moral problem not a disease. 

I hated the person I had become. I didn't reach some of the lows explained in the movie, but I hit a spiritual low. I suffered a spiritual death of my own. I made it back to college the following year(last year), but I continued to use. However, I built my life up again. I was getting good grades, I had my own apartment, my own dog and a lot of wonderful opportunities. At the end of the school year, the beginning of this summer, I went home to help my family pack and say good bye before they left for their move. They were leaving for the farthest away continental state. They locked up our house, said no one was to enter, and drove a way. I had a nice warm bed and plenty of food at my grandmas house, but as an addict demanding freedom, I chose to go back to the homeless life living in my car. I had recently broke up with my boyfriend and sleeping in my car alone at night freaked me out. So I snuck into my moms old house, would huddle on the floor with a lantern to smoke and hope no one saw the tiny light in the house. After weeks of living with nothing, but drugs and an eery empty house full of childhood memories, I woke up. That's all, I just woke up. I woke up one morning, just like every other morning. I smoked and sat there, but this time was different. I was watching my life flash before my eyes. Not my physical life, but the life I had built for myself. I watched my dog's quality of life deteriorate because of my drug use. I watched my college career end. I watched myself loose my apartment leaving me stranded in my hometown with no where live and no escape. I came home to see my family off. In the month I had with them, I saw them for maybe five hours. I was useless in passing the house because I was too high and too sick. My family, that used to be the most important thing in my life, drove away and I didn't even blink. I watched the people I love leave, but all I cared was that I was high. Not even high anymore, all I cared about was maintaining. I sat there and saw everything left in my life fading away and I realized I had to stop. I was hurting people around me. I had been incredibly hurtful and selfish and they didn't even no why. I owed it to myself and the people I loved to get help. Right then, all I wanted was to get help. 

I am back at my university another year. I am an accounting major currently, but I intend to switch majors next quarter. I hope to receive a Bachelor's in Social Services. I hope to work with youth struggling with addiction. I moved out of an apartment with a roommate into a nice little safe haven that I have all to my self. I love it and love that I don't have to worry about the influence of other college students in my own home. My dog is a year and a half old now. She is my best friend. At times she was my partner in crime. She has been to hell and back with me and I am happy I still have her and can show her the life she deserves with a real home and a consistent schedule. Through Narcotics Anonymous and the twelve steps, I have started working on myself and my recovery. I have made tons of great friends, have a wonderful support group, and an amazing sponsor. I had almost three months clean, but I recently relapsed for a weekend. I regret it, but I try to be grateful that I had the tools I needed to walk back into the rooms immediately and start again on the path of recovery. The experience from my previous three months has not been lost and has been the greatest tool I could have asked for. I am happy to be clean today with the tools necessary to remain clean and improve my life.

3 comments:

  1. You can do it! I am so glad you kept your dog and are giving her a wonderful life. Making animals happy is so rewarding. :)

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