Reflecting on the past 22 years

I quit heroin 22 years ago. That sentence is a lot to take in,

 I never, ever thought I'd live a day without heroin. It's weird how when people get sober they seem almost afraid to admit that they enjoyed getting high. It's disingenuous to me- like you are trying to put one over on yourself. You got high for that long and you DIDN'T like it? That's weird to me. I liked getting high but truly that is such a small part in the average day of a person using drugs. It was all that other bullshit that I hated.

In the last few months of my drug use, my life had evolved into a pattern. On Saturdays, my mom would western union me $175. I had lied to her a million times by this. I told her I was sober since I had gotten out of jail. If I was smart on that day, I would use that money to pay for my hotel room by the week. Many times, I would go straight to the dopeman then pay $30 for a room for the night. By this point in the game, the young low level drug sellers that had brought up to the Bay Area by the cartels had recruited me to sell their drugs. They knew that I was good for the money and exactly where to find me if I was not. By this point, I was either sleeping in the Fern street alley or renting by the day at the Kinney hotel, a hotel known for it's large variety of rats.

The teens were recruited specifically because they would be deported versus put in the immigration prison. The boys had a quota to fill. They earned above those sales, frantically sending every last dollar home. I would be fronted a package just like they were. The dope was stomped on, but not enough to scare away people like myself. A real connection would not come out for sales smaller than $50. These street level dealers dealt in everything down to $5 bag. So I'd inject whatever (that's if I could even get a hit with no veins left) and a few days later, i'd get a raging infection.

When I look back on it, I mightve spent 20-30 minutes high every few days. The rest was chasing my tail to avoid being sick. So sure I liked being high but the bullshit that encapsulated active addiction was not worth the limited experience. But- I wasn't ready to let it go until I was. Stubborn is my love language.

A lot of yall are in your twenties wondering what it will take to get you to change. Change is incremental. It is so slow, you can't even see it. So one day, it seems like you woke up strung out. Just like one day you will wake up and want to do different things. The main thing I can advise is that you need to take care of your body the best you can. I did many many risky things- sharing syringes, reusing bloody syringes, waiting to go to the dr, mixing too many drugs, etc- that impact me today. If I would've known I wasn't going to die, I probably wouldve spent more time trying to live.

There's a kitten sitting on my bed looking SUPER cute. It is really distracting me. These cats can't be bothered with me until I am trying to do something, then they want to come around.

My love to you.