Enjoying my Ninth Life
I was laying in my bunk bed cuddling one of my fat rolls last week when it dawned on me that it has been over two decades since the last time I was starving. I have gotten used to this sturdier frame. This is quite a contrast from the years when I was so thin I had to wear multiple pairs of pants just to get up to any type of a normal frame. There was an expression I heard in rehab "I was so sucked up, my two back pockets were touching." This was a painfully accurate representation. It's a humbling thing to have to decide between spending a dollar on a little debbie snack cake and paying full price for a small bag of shitty dope. Yet, I'd rather eat food I'd find on the top of a trashcan then part with my hard hustled money.
I am going to be fifty this year. I have outlived my shelf life many times over. I used up many of my nine lives, squandered a few. I enjoyed a few others. I will never forget the three weeks I spent tripping my ass off in Colorado at the Rainbow Gathering. Or the weeks I squatted in the MDC music studio. Or the first few months of my IV drug use, when I still really enjoyed heroin. Or a few of the moments in between. My life path has been more of a an uphill loop that took a turn at the garbage dump then off towards the beach. It has been an interesting ride.
I am at the age now where I have to start thinking about "what if my kids want to try drugs?" and "what am I going to tell them about heroin use" and how can I explain that most of my friends are dead. I ran into a person I used to get high with just yesterday My kids wanted to know how I knew him. "We met through a friend of mine that died of an overdose." There was nothing else I could think of to tell them except the truth. The truth is my default. I no longer spin webs of deceit to protect me. The truth is disarming.
I know many of you that read these entries are dealing with addiction, depression, anxiety, eating disorders, and pain. I see you. It does get better. It will get worse at times though. I am not going to lie. Life has lots of bumps in the road. Overall though., I am glad I didn't kill myself to put it bluntly. I am glad I've gotten to know you.
Carry naloxone, test your drugs, pet all the animals, get hugs, come see me. I love you.