Enjoying my Ninth Life

I was laying in my bunk bed cuddling one of my fat rolls last week when it dawned on me that it has been over two decades since the last time I was starving. I have gotten used to this sturdier frame. This is quite a contrast from the years when I was so thin I had to wear multiple pairs of pants just to get up to any type of a normal frame. There was an expression I heard in rehab "I was so sucked up, my two back pockets were touching." This was a painfully accurate representation. It's a humbling thing to have to decide between spending a dollar on a little debbie snack cake and paying full price for a small bag of shitty dope. Yet, I'd rather eat food I'd find on the top of a trashcan then part with my hard hustled money. 

I am going to be fifty this year. I have outlived my shelf life many times over. I used up many of my nine lives, squandered a few. I enjoyed a few others. I will never forget the three weeks I spent tripping my ass off in Colorado at the Rainbow Gathering. Or the weeks I squatted in the MDC music studio. Or the first few months of my IV drug use, when I still really enjoyed heroin. Or a few of the moments in between. My life path has been more of a an uphill loop that took a turn at the garbage dump then off towards the beach. It has been an interesting ride. 

I am at the age now where I have to start thinking about "what if my kids want to try drugs?" and "what am I going to tell them about heroin use" and how can I explain that most of my friends are dead. I ran into a person I used to get high with just yesterday My kids wanted to know how I knew him. "We met through a friend of mine that died of an overdose." There was nothing else I could think of to tell them except the truth. The truth is my default. I no longer spin webs of deceit to protect me. The truth is disarming. 

I know many of you that read these entries are dealing with addiction, depression, anxiety, eating disorders, and pain. I see you. It does get better. It will get worse at times though. I am not going to lie. Life has lots of bumps in the road. Overall though., I am glad I didn't kill myself to put it bluntly. I am glad I've gotten to know you. 

Carry naloxone, test your drugs, pet all the animals, get hugs, come see me. I love you. 

Comments

  1. QuinnJanuary 1, 2020 at 10:19 PM

    That was well written and a great look into a long life of drug use. Your description looking back on your life is very interesting. It kind of romanticizes the drug, but I guess drug users have that and it shouldn’t be hidden.

    Do you plan to stop? Or at least only use occasionally?

    Looking out for you dude.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. traceyh415January 2, 2020 at 7:59 AM

      I quit a long time ago. But for whatever reason, the winter stirs up a lot of feelings and repressed memories

      Delete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Black Tar Heroin 10 questions answered

Image
I want to get this in one place. Here you go When was the film made? The film was made from Dec 1995 to Dec 1997. Originally the film was supposed to be for one year but I believe when HBO picked up the film they wanted two years. How were you picked for the film? Steven met a bunch of different people at the youth needle exchange. He wanted subjects that were slightly younger than me. He filmed a few other people  that never made it into the final film Were you paid for the film? No. I was not paid for the film. he bought me a hotel to stay in for a week and bought me lunch a few times. I think they left some money for me when I was in jail too. Documentary film makers, in general, don't pay their subjects. Was I friends with the other people from the film ? Sort of. I never knew Alice. I met Oreo when he was 15 or 16. He was VERY young when the film was made. His mom used to work the desk in one of the hotels I lived in. Jake and I used to hang out. At one point h...
Read more

Ben (revised)

Image
Ben was heroin addled fantasy from a time when I would rather be with someone that barely loved me than be alone. I had just been released from jail after six long months. I had been using in the jail up until the last 45 days. This is did not give me much time to construct any type of recovery. I had spent most my time of planning for things that would never happen. My first week in jail was spent recovering from surgery. When I was arrested, I had four large abcesses. An abcess is a place where bacteria gets under the skin and the flesh starts to rot. I had to have surgery on my arm. When I took of the bandage, I cried. Not because I was in the hospital, not because I was in jail. I cried because they had sliced open my tattoo! The horror of it all. I used to take a sterile needle and cut them open myself. Needless to say, my nickname was the abcess queen. When I was back on the streets, I felt hopeless. I gave up my homeless encampment living for a hotel with some financial ...
Read more

Jamie

   Being able to fall apart is a luxury many people don’t have. They carry their burdens until it breaks them.  Miss Jamie was one of the most aesthetically pleasing  women I had ever seen in my life. She simply glowed. When she entered a room, everyone had to stop to pay attention. She took that space over. Her smile was radiant. Her energy was infectious. She was a fireball of a human. Her petite frame was always draped with carefully selected skirts, dresses, and form fitting sweaters. She paired this with her signature plum lipstick and acrylics.  She always came late in the day, usually when I had the lowest energy. Yet, I never refused her entrance. I was happy to see her. Happy to listen to her while she held court in my desk area.      On this day, Jamie was wheeled into the clinic by a person I had never seen before. Instead of scrubs, he looked as if he had woken up on the streets. He looked left like a caretaker, more like a pe...
Read more