Broken Toys

"Do you always play with those broken toys?" he asked me.
I nervously took a drink of my chocolate Quik. The breakfast of champions- a cinnamon roll, a Nestle Quik, and a fat shot. I had two of those three things this morning.
"what do you mean?" I asked.
He pivoted towards me for effect.
"Those men you play around with girl" he spun around in his chair "you better be using condoms."

I laughed to myself. Condoms? When was the last time I had a period. Six months? Eight months? I lost count. It isn't like I am having sex anyway. Sex to me is having someone lightly scratch my back. Sex to me is coming back to my room and having him say "look babe, I saved this for you." That hasn't happened.

In a world full of seven billion people, I gravitate towards a few people who are absolutely no good for me. The fact that I am a drug addict in the present tense doesn't make life any easier. Relationships between users seem to fall into a few general categories.

 The first would be the whipping boy. This man is nice. He is extremely nice- TOO nice. He puts up with my lies, my deceptions without question. I find it impossible to be attracted to anyone who cannot see that I can't be changed. I am the scorpion. He is my frog. As much as I would like to be in a relationship with a fully realized human being, I am turned off in a way that can't be ignored.


The second category is THUG LIFE. Bring me everything I need. We are in this together. My broken nose or black eye reveals the truth. He always has a plan- a blueprint. The great come up that will never happen. If stay together, I won't live long enough to see it.


Finally, there are my broken toys. The junkie boys that turn my world on end. From broken homes, one step away from the grave. I fall in love with the ones who ran away. The ones who are too afraid to stay. The ones who know too much about me. We share our stories of use and abuse, cuddled up together while we watch the world burn. A fleeting light, a brief shine in my world of darkness before they fade away.

What is love between two users? Is it an illusion or mutual usury? Perhaps, it is the realest thing that ever existed. Who could ever understand more than a person who has been there? Pass me the sour patch kids...


To be continued




Comments

  1. EmiNekoOctober 8, 2015 at 4:39 PM

    Goodness, this post couldn't hit home harder than ever....def would say I have experienced the THUG LIFE ....and the whipping boy....

    I would def say that THUG LIFE was an infatuation that turned to mutual usury. It's crazy how sucked in you get into these also....

    As for now I am in a healthy relationship with somebody who has never done anything besides marijuana.....so you could definitely say I am with somebody safe...which I feel is okay...once in my life I feel some normalcy..and think to myself this has to be life....sometimes I miss the craziness of things and wish I wouldn't admit that...but nonetheless I am happy, clean, and can finally say life is worth living.

    Meow!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. traceyh415October 8, 2015 at 7:05 PM

      Normalacy is good, even if it takes awhile to adjust to it

      Delete
  2. RocketQueenOctober 9, 2015 at 12:52 PM

    Realist thing you've ever wrote in my humble opinion

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. traceyh415October 9, 2015 at 1:09 PM

      That means a lot from you because you have read everything

      Delete
  3. RocketQueenOctober 9, 2015 at 6:42 PM

    Lol yes. Many, many times.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Black Tar Heroin 10 questions answered

Image
I want to get this in one place. Here you go When was the film made? The film was made from Dec 1995 to Dec 1997. Originally the film was supposed to be for one year but I believe when HBO picked up the film they wanted two years. How were you picked for the film? Steven met a bunch of different people at the youth needle exchange. He wanted subjects that were slightly younger than me. He filmed a few other people  that never made it into the final film Were you paid for the film? No. I was not paid for the film. he bought me a hotel to stay in for a week and bought me lunch a few times. I think they left some money for me when I was in jail too. Documentary film makers, in general, don't pay their subjects. Was I friends with the other people from the film ? Sort of. I never knew Alice. I met Oreo when he was 15 or 16. He was VERY young when the film was made. His mom used to work the desk in one of the hotels I lived in. Jake and I used to hang out. At one point h...
Read more

Ben (revised)

Image
Ben was heroin addled fantasy from a time when I would rather be with someone that barely loved me than be alone. I had just been released from jail after six long months. I had been using in the jail up until the last 45 days. This is did not give me much time to construct any type of recovery. I had spent most my time of planning for things that would never happen. My first week in jail was spent recovering from surgery. When I was arrested, I had four large abcesses. An abcess is a place where bacteria gets under the skin and the flesh starts to rot. I had to have surgery on my arm. When I took of the bandage, I cried. Not because I was in the hospital, not because I was in jail. I cried because they had sliced open my tattoo! The horror of it all. I used to take a sterile needle and cut them open myself. Needless to say, my nickname was the abcess queen. When I was back on the streets, I felt hopeless. I gave up my homeless encampment living for a hotel with some financial ...
Read more

Jamie

   Being able to fall apart is a luxury many people don’t have. They carry their burdens until it breaks them.  Miss Jamie was one of the most aesthetically pleasing  women I had ever seen in my life. She simply glowed. When she entered a room, everyone had to stop to pay attention. She took that space over. Her smile was radiant. Her energy was infectious. She was a fireball of a human. Her petite frame was always draped with carefully selected skirts, dresses, and form fitting sweaters. She paired this with her signature plum lipstick and acrylics.  She always came late in the day, usually when I had the lowest energy. Yet, I never refused her entrance. I was happy to see her. Happy to listen to her while she held court in my desk area.      On this day, Jamie was wheeled into the clinic by a person I had never seen before. Instead of scrubs, he looked as if he had woken up on the streets. He looked left like a caretaker, more like a pe...
Read more