There was a time...

There was a time that seemed not that long ago when the only thing I needed to worry about was what kind of drug was flowing through my veins. Opioids, benzos, amphetamines where my drug of choice. All at the same time of course. Don't forget the cocaine. Some booze was in there, too. That feeling of being dopesick and chugging on some Taca cheap ass vodka will never leave my memory. That feeling of having my side hurt only realizing it was my liver after washing down a handful of Vicodin with flat beer. There were many days when I woke up broken in my small apartment in Cincinnati that I thought "how much worse can my life possibly get?" I found out.

I don't know if I was born an addict. I know my behaviors certainly molded me into one. That roller coaster of crippling depression briefly came to a screeching halt when I found opioids. There was my solution, my lover, and my best friend in one place. There was a time when I thought the real problem was simply not having an unlimited supply of drugs. When I came to San Francisco only to have unfettered access to them, I began a cycle of self destruction that was past my ability to rationally manage.

8 years of on and off homelessness
11 trips to jail
2 methadone clinic runs
Amphetamines for months on end
Rape
Attempt on my life
chipped teeth
Black eyes
Broken noses
34 abscesses

Yet here I am. There is a scene in "Black Tar Heroin" when I look out the window. I say outloud to no one
"Sometimes it makes me happy."
I kept chasing the sometimes.
The important thing is that I believed some day I would get off that shit. I believe some day I would give up everything I knew, everything I loved (my drugs). Just like you.
Some day, you will too.
Some day, you will send me a message "Tracey, I just wanted to let you know..."
I can't wait for that fucking message.
I will love you until I receive it.
I will do everything I can to keep you safe.
I will work to make the world a safer place for people like us.
Because you deserve it.



My book is coming out in March. A fucking book being sold in bookstores. I got my author page yesterday. I find it hard to look at. I was supposed to be dead ten times over. Here I am.
 For all the people who doubt you, they doubted me too.
Let's prove them all wrong.

Comments

  1. AnonymousSeptember 30, 2015 at 6:34 PM

    Wow this really touched me. You are a shining example that it is possible to leave that life behind. I hope to one day be as strong as you but not just yet tonight I'm going to stay up late and drown in sorrow.

    ReplyDelete
  2. rellikOctober 1, 2015 at 2:21 PM

    Touching, have talked to you via dms on twitter about me slowing down usage unfortunately over the past week ive used more than ever before. you're an inspiration, and one day when things are the way they are now.... i cant wait totell you and everyone around me,"I quit.".

    ReplyDelete
  3. AnonymousOctober 1, 2015 at 11:45 PM

    You're truly an inspiration. I've never met you and I probably never will, but you've given me hope for myself many times over and I love you for it. Thanks for being you, Tracey. :)

    ReplyDelete
  4. gypsyOctober 2, 2015 at 12:46 AM

    Always a beautiful written word. Soo looking forward to reading the book. The kitty got soooo big, such a Stunner. 💜💛

    ReplyDelete
  5. UnknownOctober 2, 2015 at 6:56 AM

    This post has been bawling like a baby at work. I have yet to reveal to basically anyone but I've fucked up...again. I've hit that all time low where I want nothing more than to just end my suffering the easy way but yet I know even though they have a fucked up way of showing it ; doing that would only hurt those that I love and I know love me. I'm just so tired. To put it lightly. My feet have been dragging and I've been feeling pretty damn worthless for the last twenty years. & I'm 28. This is my purgatory. It has to be. I can't imagine a shittier existence in a shittier environment. I hang my head not because I'm exhausted (I am) but because I had such a beautiful life laid right out in front of me and I torched it all for that next fix. & I'm staring that shit in the face again. Fuck. I don't want any pity. I just want to close my eyes...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. traceyh415October 2, 2015 at 9:27 AM

      This made me very emotional because I know that painful place. I promise you can have that serenity back it just takes a few days of suffering and some courage

      Delete
  6. UnknownOctober 4, 2015 at 9:23 PM

    Hi Tracey, great post. Always get excited when i see youve written sumthing new.
    Wanted to tell you thanks for the advice you gave me a few weeks ago.
    I am still sober and am trying daily to,implicate the things you suggested into my routine.
    You gave some good suggestions on how to jump start my pleasure sensors again naturally after stopping my MM program.
    Laughing seems to finally be somthing im able to do again.
    Also the exercise , even briefly walking . Sumtimes just for 15 min has been helping my anxiety. Benefit it seems for the leg aches as well.
    Been off program since April, last couple weeks has been so much easier. Especially physical symptoms. Hope anybody reading this that can also suggest helpful tips for sum lingering side effects such as burning skin please let me kno.
    I love reading your blog Tracey. It has helped me so much! I tell myself literally alltge time that if you can go from the sick addict you were to being healthy today that it really is attainable for me 2.
    Thanks again for the tips, really hav helped!
    Christan B

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. traceyh415October 5, 2015 at 6:26 AM

      Glad I helped you in some way and possibly your mom too

      Delete
  7. UnknownOctober 4, 2015 at 9:27 PM

    Also forgot to mention that my mom , who has never abused a drug is now a fan of your blog 2!
    Whenever she sees me reading on my phone or laptop she asks ifyou hav any new posts..i think you give her hope 2 us she is amazed your alive after what youve lived thru!
    Christian

    ReplyDelete
  8. EmiNekoOctober 5, 2015 at 3:27 PM

    Excited to read your book. I remember when I had read your other ebook/pages back in 2013. Please keep me updated when your book is released so I can get me a copy. Still always an inspiration to me. Been doing really well and staying grounded. Waiting for Jan. 1st to make it my 1 year of sobriety. ^_^

    ReplyDelete
  9. AnonymousOctober 8, 2015 at 12:22 PM

    I know this really isn't the right place to post or ask this but I don't want to do something stupid. I know you are a health care worker with our type so I want to ask before I do something very stupid. I have problems getting works there is no exchange and pharmacies are strict, usually the person I get them from pulls them out of a 100count box, some things happened and they don't keep that many around anymore and I noticed what I got today didn't have it pulled back to the 5cc and had a small circle on the cap and the tube like a burn. I have a feeling he bought these from someone..... Do any large chain pharmacies or anywhere sell over the counter?

    I'm in California but unfortunately the area I live in is very rural and non liberal, it's the opposite of San Fran... I'm quite shy and extremely nervous about going to ask, and having to go through this bullshit... it should be a fucking right. Anyways some words of encouragement or if you know of any large chain pharmacies that have a policy of not requiring a prescription for clean works. Sorry for posting this here.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. traceyh415October 8, 2015 at 1:14 PM

      They changed the laws in California this year to make it legal to purchase without a script. You should be able to get them at Walmart or super target. Also some vet supply places

      Delete

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