Anonymous from US

The creation. A fiend in the making. 

When shortcuts end up taking you down long dark paths..

Trying to find happiness isnt easy for some, i know it wasnt easy for me. Looking back on my childhood years I should have been sent to a shrink sooner...or I should have been sent to the right psych because there were some years of counseling that had little to no effect on me or my father.
I also know now that there was damage done to me before I took my first breath, and that damage is part of why I have a dark side that I need to hide for 99.5% of the population.
My father smoked crack throughout most of my childhood so I grew up around drugs forever,I can remember his paranoid flip outs and hallucinations..he boarded up all the windows to the house one night during a wild binge..we lived in a pretty square suburb at the time so im sure the neighbors knew he was tripping..this was 85 and crack was spreading like wild fire throughout the san francisco bay area and pops caught the fever.  I can remember seeing crack made in a microwave in 1985 and my father caught me looking. He bought me a chemistry set as an apology...I dont know if he knew the effect that gift had on me...I just watched yo smoke crack dad and now you want me to play with som lab equipment and learn something new....really?

thanks god there was no such things as the internet or google at that time..

Moving on....Cocaine was a part of my childhood, clicking lighters, the smell of heated glass with the glow of red hot copper,the sizzle of each crumb..and somehow i thought this was normal since i didnt have many friends and didnt get out much as a preteen...i was a bit of a loner in school that didnt really fit in, i moved around a lot so I was always "the new quiet kid" I tried to change that in 3rd grade...i learned that doing bad things made people want to hang out with you,  even the girls would talk to me more after a fight Id get into to...years after year One day I snuck into my dads room and found his dope kit, i took a baggie of coke, probably about a gram or two. it was those old school baggie with the red line alone the top ( you been getting high a long time if you remember those)

At school I tried to sell it to a few of my new "friends", and Im sure I offered some to the girls that would sometimes talk to me..I was playing the bad ass role pretty hard for 4th grade, I was a menace that never listened, didnt do homework and smoked cigarettes...my father was on drugs and I knew if clearly by then..  At some point during the day i was called to the office and brought into a room where the ptincipal was waiting, I was told to empty all of my pockets...and bam, they find a nice size bag of coke on a 4th grader...I tried to play dumb and didnt know what to say to them, i told them i found it and was going to throw it away.    

Too bad half the class had already snitched me out and turned me in as a group...Surprisingly I was not given detention and they seemed to just let it go, no mention of calling my dad or anything, they just kept the bag.

I got home later and Dad didnt seem to know anything about what happened and I thought I got away with it. He was in his room getting high with whatever bitch he found that day...i went to my room and played with my GI Joes or whatever I had back then.

***BAM ! BAM ! BAM ! BAM !***  ": POLICE DEPARTMENT WE HAVE A SEARCH WARRANT...OPEN THE DOOR OR WE WILL KICK IT IN...BAM ! BAM ! BAM! "

I walked out to see what the noise was right before the door exploded into pieces..i ran into my room, i knew I was going to be in truble now.

Apparently, the bag of coke i took to school that was confiscated by the teachers, well, it seemed to have come up missing that day. Im guessing one of the teachers there must have had a taste for nose candy and snatched it..prompting a call to the police, who then got the full story and stepped in and came after me/my house. they caught a personal use amount of dope and a bunch of pipes...no arrest...i was hoping they wee going to take him so i didnt get my ass beat.. I was arrested and released for possession of cocaine with intent to sell, my father got possession , child endangerment and paraphenalia charges.
What a family huh...my charges were dropped and I was ordered to attend a bunch of counseling at school. 


The monkey on my shoulda started chasin the chips

Started doin flips off the dagger in my spine thats buried up the hilt

I seen him slip a couple times in all the blood I done spilt

And now the angel and devil on both sides .......are playing monkey in the middle

Over time hes getting bigger and he aint so little

  He came into his own and now they call him king kong nigga

What ever you try and tell him he aint tryin to hear it

And whatever that muthafucka wants.. hes gonna get it!

He's on my shoulder and whispering to me,Tryin to influence me,back into my addiction

And the only way he'll leave me alone
Is if I say "fuck it man I'm wit it"

Its gettin harder day by day to try to make the right decisions

And the sweet scent of temptation just makes it so appealling

Just the thought of the feeling When its in me......Man I'm the zone

I'm out my mind all my problems gone

> And yeah I know its wrong........ .and I always find an excuse to do it

Get high then a muthafucka and just get lost in the music

Wit a cup of that fluid, now my thoughts..they flow so freely

Until the monkey on my shoulder starts wantin to regain control of the chips

My bi polar side kicks in,

And the angel and the devil start workin in shifts

You could say that I'm crazy, and I really wouldn't doubt ya

But its the ones that won't admit it that are the ones you need to watch out for


Comments

  1. AnonymousJune 14, 2014 at 5:21 AM

    Thank you for this Tracey, I got nothing but love for ya!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Delaney JaneJune 14, 2014 at 3:11 PM

    Thanks man. Much love and respect for you sharing your experience. I relate. You have a talent, glad you're using it. Thanks Tracey for this guest post.

    ReplyDelete

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