All that I got


I turned the key to my empty room. The sparse existence is highlighted by the silence. The Tenderloin seems so quiet today. I barely hear the pipes being scraped in the distance. Fall is rapidly approaching. There is a cool breeze that goes through both of my windows. I put the milk on the ledge last night. It stayed just the right temperature for my coffee this morning. I use the hot tap water for my flavored blend. Nothing like clumps of sugar and chunks of instant brew. 

I set my keys on the nightstand. My room contains a bed, a broken nightstand with a drawer missing, and a chair I use as a stand for my boom box. I got it of a dope fiend for $20. It literally was a steal. I take off my shoes and flop on my bed. My legs hurt. These abscess scars do not like the heat. The skin seems to pull against the muscle as if to remind me I am just a junkie. I let out a sigh. All the pain of the world is exhaled in this very moment. I need to find some peace. 

There is no where I can go to run from myself anymore. I am out of cons, out of hustle, and completely out of time. I am sleeping with all my money crammed between this mattress so I do not get robbed. This is just the reality of trying to make it day by day. 

I feel a sense of lonliness but I am comfortable being alone. I am done taking hostages. I am done walking down the street two steps behind a man eating the last of my slice of pizza and we spend all of my money on a bag that won't get either of us well. I am done playing the love game and having a battle of the minds with an unarmed opponent. I am just fucking done. 

I grab my stuffed alien pillow and curl up in a ball. Everything hurts today. That is just part of how I live. The difference is I am done using drugs. I got six months clean today. At least that is something. Some days not using is all that I got and that is enough. 

May 27, 2000. 


Comments

  1. Delaney JaneMay 15, 2014 at 12:21 AM

    Thank you.

    ReplyDelete
  2. AnonymousMay 20, 2014 at 5:15 PM

    What's your email?

    ReplyDelete
  3. AnonymousMay 24, 2014 at 7:12 PM

    Had to come get my fix...as always, you are a reminder of where we've been, what we've been through....and where not to return to. Your Blog is a replacement and a remimder of my using....im glad im getting my fix here today at not at the park... if there is a God, may he continue to bless you. Thank you for not letting us forget...one day at a time. JF

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. traceyh415May 24, 2014 at 8:00 PM

      I'm glad you finally caught up. wondering where you had been

      Delete

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