Anonymous from Washington

Addiction is a terrible disease. I went from being a top student with a goody-two-shoes reputation to a junkie eye soar living out of her car, scrounging up change to buy food a few times a week. Some how I never made it more than a day without H. Food, doctors visits, dentist appointments, hair cuts, and all hygiene went out the window. I left to college and immediately dropped out because my addiction to smoking Percocet was controlling my life. I would be so sick the few days that I made it back to college that I couldn't even get up to go to class. I dropped out, moved in with my boyfriend, but with in a few months we had blown through the thousands of dollars. When pills got to expensive and became scarce we moved to heroin. We were forced to live in my car barely getting by. In all actuality, I wasn't forced to do anything. I had a loving caring family and many great friends. I had tons of people around me who would have helped if I had asked. I was always the good girl that would never get into drugs. I used for years and was struggling. I was drowning and screaming for help, but no one threw me a line. No one saw what I was going through because I hid it. I have heard so many recovery addicts say that they thought they were so sneaky, but everyone knew. That was not the case for me. I had a couple months clean when I finally told my family I was an addict. They were shocked. Completely shocked and horrified. They want to help, but they are still struggling with the misconception that addiction is a moral problem not a disease. 
I hated the person I had become. I didn't reach some of the lows explained in the movie, but I hit a spiritual low. I suffered a spiritual death of my own. I made it back to college the following year(last year), but I continued to use. However, I built my life up again. I was getting good grades, I had my own apartment, my own dog and a lot of wonderful opportunities. At the end of the school year, the beginning of this summer, I went home to help my family pack and say good bye before they left for their move. They were leaving for the farthest away continental state. They locked up our house, said no one was to enter, and drove a way. I had a nice warm bed and plenty of food at my grandmas house, but as an addict demanding freedom, I chose to go back to the homeless life living in my car. I had recently broke up with my boyfriend and sleeping in my car alone at night freaked me out. So I snuck into my moms old house, would huddle on the floor with a lantern to smoke and hope no one saw the tiny light in the house. After weeks of living with nothing, but drugs and an eery empty house full of childhood memories, I woke up. That's all, I just woke up. I woke up one morning, just like every other morning. I smoked and sat there, but this time was different. I was watching my life flash before my eyes. Not my physical life, but the life I had built for myself. I watched my dog's quality of life deteriorate because of my drug use. I watched my college career end. I watched myself loose my apartment leaving me stranded in my hometown with no where live and no escape. I came home to see my family off. In the month I had with them, I saw them for maybe five hours. I was useless in passing the house because I was too high and too sick. My family, that used to be the most important thing in my life, drove away and I didn't even blink. I watched the people I love leave, but all I cared was that I was high. Not even high anymore, all I cared about was maintaining. I sat there and saw everything left in my life fading away and I realized I had to stop. I was hurting people around me. I had been incredibly hurtful and selfish and they didn't even no why. I owed it to myself and the people I loved to get help. Right then, all I wanted was to get help. 

I am back at my university another year. I am an accounting major currently, but I intend to switch majors next quarter. I hope to receive a Bachelor's in Social Services. I hope to work with youth struggling with addiction. I moved out of an apartment with a roommate into a nice little safe haven that I have all to my self. I love it and love that I don't have to worry about the influence of other college students in my own home. My dog is a year and a half old now. She is my best friend. At times she was my partner in crime. She has been to hell and back with me and I am happy I still have her and can show her the life she deserves with a real home and a consistent schedule. Through Narcotics Anonymous and the twelve steps, I have started working on myself and my recovery. I have made tons of great friends, have a wonderful support group, and an amazing sponsor. I had almost three months clean, but I recently relapsed for a weekend. I regret it, but I try to be grateful that I had the tools I needed to walk back into the rooms immediately and start again on the path of recovery. The experience from my previous three months has not been lost and has been the greatest tool I could have asked for. I am happy to be clean today with the tools necessary to remain clean and improve my life.

Comments

  1. AnonymousOctober 16, 2013 at 8:26 PM

    <3

    ReplyDelete
  2. traceyh415October 16, 2013 at 8:38 PM

    :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. AnonymousOctober 19, 2013 at 4:18 PM

    You can do it! I am so glad you kept your dog and are giving her a wonderful life. Making animals happy is so rewarding. :)

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Black Tar Heroin 10 questions answered

Image
I want to get this in one place. Here you go When was the film made? The film was made from Dec 1995 to Dec 1997. Originally the film was supposed to be for one year but I believe when HBO picked up the film they wanted two years. How were you picked for the film? Steven met a bunch of different people at the youth needle exchange. He wanted subjects that were slightly younger than me. He filmed a few other people  that never made it into the final film Were you paid for the film? No. I was not paid for the film. he bought me a hotel to stay in for a week and bought me lunch a few times. I think they left some money for me when I was in jail too. Documentary film makers, in general, don't pay their subjects. Was I friends with the other people from the film ? Sort of. I never knew Alice. I met Oreo when he was 15 or 16. He was VERY young when the film was made. His mom used to work the desk in one of the hotels I lived in. Jake and I used to hang out. At one point h...
Read more

Ben (revised)

Image
Ben was heroin addled fantasy from a time when I would rather be with someone that barely loved me than be alone. I had just been released from jail after six long months. I had been using in the jail up until the last 45 days. This is did not give me much time to construct any type of recovery. I had spent most my time of planning for things that would never happen. My first week in jail was spent recovering from surgery. When I was arrested, I had four large abcesses. An abcess is a place where bacteria gets under the skin and the flesh starts to rot. I had to have surgery on my arm. When I took of the bandage, I cried. Not because I was in the hospital, not because I was in jail. I cried because they had sliced open my tattoo! The horror of it all. I used to take a sterile needle and cut them open myself. Needless to say, my nickname was the abcess queen. When I was back on the streets, I felt hopeless. I gave up my homeless encampment living for a hotel with some financial ...
Read more

Jamie

   Being able to fall apart is a luxury many people don’t have. They carry their burdens until it breaks them.  Miss Jamie was one of the most aesthetically pleasing  women I had ever seen in my life. She simply glowed. When she entered a room, everyone had to stop to pay attention. She took that space over. Her smile was radiant. Her energy was infectious. She was a fireball of a human. Her petite frame was always draped with carefully selected skirts, dresses, and form fitting sweaters. She paired this with her signature plum lipstick and acrylics.  She always came late in the day, usually when I had the lowest energy. Yet, I never refused her entrance. I was happy to see her. Happy to listen to her while she held court in my desk area.      On this day, Jamie was wheeled into the clinic by a person I had never seen before. Instead of scrubs, he looked as if he had woken up on the streets. He looked left like a caretaker, more like a pe...
Read more