As I sat on the panel Friday, I became fixated by the bowl of Halloween style mini chocolate bars that was left in a bowl in from of me. While mostly, snickers bars, there were a few milky ways to tempt my senses. As a person who has put down the spoon and picked up the fork, it was easy to distract me with tasty treats. Then, I noticed something appalling- some asshole ate a chocolate bar and left the wrapper. Here, I am supposed to be the addict, yet this is the type of behavior generally pinned on drug users. Instead of fixating or even tasting the candy bars that were there, I was focused on the empty wrapper.
It then dawned on me that this was a metaphor for my life. My life as an addict has been constantly focusing on the things I don't have while I ignore the beautiful things around me. Someone had cared enough to gently place these candy bars in front of me for my enjoyment. Not just one, but an assortment. Yet, I was so focused on the one thing I couldn't have, I was blinded to my gifts. This is the same feelings that drove me to drugs in the first place. The constant state of want- of thinking the grass is greener inside a substance. Of my absence of pain being contingent on something outside of myself.
In the end, I didn't even eat one candy bar. I'm in recovery now. I ate some high grade dark chocolate from a local chocolate shop. I even had enough to share.
I hope where ever you are this weekend, you are safe.
I hope you are able to see the gifts around you.
I hope you live through this. I will see you though to the other side.
I hope you find some peace.