Saturday, January 2, 2016

Back from Family Land

There is an old expression that "you can't go home again." This certainly seems to be true of us junkies. By the time we get our shit together, we have done unbelievable amounts of damage to everyone around us. If it isn't the job we fucked up, the apartments we neglected, or the friends we completely shunned for joy in a plastic sack it is the family whom we disappointed repeatedly. Even if they forgive us, it can be incredible painful to forgive ourselves. 

I get asked if I believe addiction is a disease. I know plenty of people believe it. I am not sure I am one of the them. I do believe that addiction starts out as pleasure seeking and turns into a mental obsession paired with physical cravings that are not easily quelled. When you talk to people in the first days, weeks, months, or even years after quitting drugs it takes awhile for them to get past that feeling as if they are missing something beyond a pill, bag, or feeling. It is as if they describe missing a part of themselves. The drugs take over the wheel in a way that your every move is some how impacted by the absence of presence of that drug. Many of us crossed into that no man's land where drugs make it possible yet impossible to function. It is the junkie paradox. The one thing that is killing me is the thing that makes me happy. 

There are many people out there that use drugs casually and return to normal living. Fuck you people. Ok Ok. I am just kidding but seriously fuck you at least a little bit. I was once in your ranks. I remember holding on to a bag of coke all day once to share with a friend. Share! that word left my vocabulary quickly. Share left with my ability to feel. I didn't require either in my life. 

Seeing my family always makes me happy and sad at the same time. I am extremely glad I got my shit together. I have been clean more than twice as long as I used drugs. However, there is sinking feeling like oh my God I really managed to fuck up while other people had to deal with the consequences of my bullshit. When I was deep in it, I felt like the only person I was hurting was myself. There was a year where I don't remember speaking to my mother at all. I honestly felt like she was better off without me. I see now how selfish I was. In fact, all she wanted was to know I was okay. Seeing other people related to me reminds me that I am not alone in both a common history and people who were impacted by my poor choices. 

Spending time with my kids is awesome. They drive me crazy with their constant fighting and excessive energy but I wouldn't have it any other way. It was nice to see them in a different light. They remade parts of my childhood for me. They experience things in a way that makes it okay for me to let of whatever pain and self pity I am carrying around from the past. They like this me. The other me doesn't exist to them. That is perfect in that it keeps things simple. 

I am not sure what you did for the holidays dear readers. I have received SO many "Tracey the naloxone you sent me saved______ person from an overdose messages." That makes me happy. If you are going to do your thing, care enough to be responsible. Whether or not you love/like yourself right now SOMEONE LOVES YOU. This is a temporary place. You will get your shit together someone day just like I did and wish you would have taken just a little bit better care of the body you are in. Personally, I need to detox from a week of waffle fries, skyline chili, chips, movie popcorn, salt salt and more salt. 

Love to you always,