I saw a girl walking at the train station with her back pack. Her hair was pulled back in an extra tight pony tail. You could see the ligaments and tendons slowly writhing underneath the skin around her neck. She had different rings of sunburn. As if you could tell her age by the patterns laid out on her flesh. She had on a long sleeved t-shirt. He Levis were cinched tightly around her waist. They were probably pants she shared with her boyfriend. She walks through the train station on her way to find him.
She doesn't notice me. I am just an observer watching life go past me. I am headed in another direction. I am on my way home. But we were in the same place. I feel the anxiety creeping up on me. My feet start to sweat inside my shoes. As I brush against the turnstiles, I feel the heaviness in my chest. I feel the breaths becoming labored. My autonomic systems are no longer in alignment. I feel hot as the redness enters my cheeks. The panic sets in as I walk further to the escalator. Can I make it to my destination. I forget how to put one foot in front of the other. I am freezing in a public space. The tingling starts in my arms. The numbness reaches my face.
Can everyone see that I don't belong here. When I look into people's faces, they look so strange. They look like animals or characters from a horror film. Like demons with no faces sent to torment me. I just want the door to open. I walk by the yellow line. I imagine being hit by the train. My thoughts are no longer my own. I exhale. The sadness creeps into my consciousness. The door slowly opens. I made it on the train.
I have everything that should make me feel happy. Yet some days I just feel empty. Some days, I am just struggling to get through the day. These thoughts intrude upon my daily my life. The food become flavorless and my mouth has a bitter taste. Yet I manage. And so I continue on. I ride the train. I feel the hot tears suppressed for the words I never got to share with you. I feel the tightness in my throat as I choke on endless apologies.
The girl that walked passed me at the train station. I saw myself and it made me panic. I should have recognized myself. I could be in the same place but I kept moving on.