Saturday, December 7, 2013

The good news is that I am not dying...

I was walking from the train station. I noticed I was starting to get some type of weird tunnel vision. I felt as if I had a hot flash on the train. I thought to myself for a split second- is this beginning of a panic attack. No, I think maybe I just don't feel well. When I got home, it seemed as if my arms were going numb. I was trying to adjust my breathing so i went to lay down. Everything seemed to be going black. The feeling I was having was as if I was having some sort of medical emergency. I felt as if I was going to pass out. My husband told me to sit down but it was if some kind of electricity was running through my hands and they were shaking and I had to move them.

By the time I realized I really was having a panic attack and was not dying, at least twenty minutes had been spent in a terrible state. I went into my purse to get my ativan. It had been so long since I had a panic attack, I was just about to take this old medication out of my purse. My insane thinking- is this a relapse- UGH! I was taking my own damn prescribed medication. I have to say I used to LOVE benzos. Yummy, yummy, yummy. But today, I hate them. Within a few minutes of the medication hitting me, I momentarily felt suicidal. I snapped out of that once i finally felt as if I could breathe.

Today, I feel like a truck ran over me. I haven't left the house yet to give myself a day to recover. This whole insane circle started when I decided to cut back on my ridiculously large intake of coffee and chocolate. I feel like the panic attack was nature's way of telling me "SLOW DOWN". My neck is killing me today from being all bunched up with tension.

The worst part of having a panic attack is the fear that you will have another. It makes you never want to leave your house or rejoin your regular routine. For my part, I am going to have to start back to the things that help me. I need to go back to my support groups, start talking to friends, simplify my life.

Stopping drugs is just one part of addressing our issues. Abstinenced based recovery sometimes can really be difficult. No other method works for me personally but I see why so many people chose to use something. When I take away the drugs, I am left with the same conditions yet I am consistently aware of them. I hope dear readers that you will find a away to be kind to yourself. Find a way to nuture yourself. Eat something. Take a walk. Find someone to talk. We all tap into our strengths. We find ways to overcome our feelings. And the good news, of course, is that I am not dying. I have already been dead and instead to chose to enjoy myself despite my imperfections.

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