Wednesday, December 4, 2013

My life as a female user- Judge me not

I am all over the place and I hope you do not mind.

To start, it is a not so well kept secrets that eating disorders and drug use go together like sugar and cigarettes. Food was usually the last thing on my mind when I didn't have drugs. When I did have drugs, not only could I EAT whatever I wanted, the only thing I wanted was generally a cinammon roll. The thinner I became, the more compliments I received from observers. "Look at you- Looking good." I remember the first time I put on an outfit that was an "acceptable" size 6! Starvation looked good on me! It was a skin tight black dress. I was walking around the Tenderloin. A man asked me for a quarter. My response "where would I put it?" yeah. It was that tight.

Secondly, there is an unspoken paradigm. I want your drugs, you want in my pants. However, that doesn't mean the female user is always up for a trade. It is as if when the drugs enter the blood stream, predators decide you no longer have ownership of your body. Sometimes the female user just want to get high and not be bothered m'kay? And and yes, sometimes I am willing to trade. Or I was. Or I will. 

My voice can get irritating. True. No, I can't carry all of the homeless crap as well as you. I can't use the bathroom outside as well. No, I don't need to use less than you. Please don't water down my drugs because you think you need more. Yeah. I notice sweetie. 

I no longer carried the emergency tampon in my purse that had the half ripped wrapper just in case I got caught off guard. One time in my addiction, I was wearing yellow shorts. I hadn't gotten my period in six months. I wasn't sure if i had a miscarriage or my period but I bled all over myself. I was so depressed at the time, sleeping in an alley, I just stayed like that for days crusted in my own blood. No one tried to help me. No one cared for me and no one cared. I let myself get that way. I was strong enough to clean myself up. The story is not in the suffering but in the overcoming of tremendous obstacles. 

I am not the sum of any guilty shameful thing. I am not the sum of all the things that I have done. I have endured, I have witnessed, I have enjoyed, and I will thrive despite my imperfections. I am a woman. If I using but I am not to be used. I am recovering from many things. 



the scars still remain

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