Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Christmas Eve Contradiction

I am sitting on my couch looking at my son playing in front of our Christmas Tree. In general, I do not care that much for the holidays. As a food addict, I appreciate any opportunity to stuff my face with sweets with no fear of public shaming. At Holiday Parties, the people with food issues silently nod to each other as we seek an extra helping of dessert. We recognize one another at buffets. We see the smiles as others are finally eating at our pace and it is glorious! For fifty weeks of the year, we deflect from our secret eating habits with our juicing and our fabulous overpriced salads. Two weeks of a year, we can relax and do what we do best- indulge without stigma and judgement.

I have spent every major holiday with the exception of Christmas in jail. I have been arrested on both Christmas Eve (for solicitation) and the day after Christmas (for drugs). December 25 is a day when many addicts are flush with cash or items to trade yet dealers may be closing up shop for the day. I remember vividly getting a brand new pair of shoes one day. They were blue suede Adidas. They were beautiful- exactly what I wanted in a shoe. Within a few days, I was attempting to sell them for drugs. I have seen people trade their children's Christmas gifts for a hit. I sold my holiday bag of groceries for $10 more than once after waiting in the cold for four hours to acquire them. Ho Ho Ho.

My life now is quite different. There is an abundance of joy in my household on any given day, not just holidays. Yet I still reflect on the suffering addict. I've had two people I knew die in the past few weeks. And the overdoses continue to roll in. Addiction doesn't distinguish between this day and any other day. All I can do I spread some holiday harm reduction. Our lives are valuable every day. My gift to you is the knowledge that you are valuable. You matter in the universe. I hope you are safe and content even if you are not feeling the season.

Love T.

I wish you a Messy Christmas 


  1. Hey its dilaudid girl :)I relapsed but im back after fighting months of withdrawal I am finally off all opiates and benzos and it feels great I never thought I would b able to get off so I'm very lucky :) I'm glad I have the energy to read ur posts again :) i hope u had a great Christmas and have a great new year and I'm a Libra lol so we LOVE food ans good desserts, sweets and yummy foods lol :) thank u so much for ur inspiring posts I feel like I'm valuable and matter like u said :) which is very hard for someone like me with little to none self esteem, u rock Tracey! :) sorry I post tons of Smileys that's how I type and text always lol

  2. My holiday wish is that Tracey's blog will help save just one life, more if possible...and help others break free from the endless cycle of addiction. JF