traceyh415

There are reasons that many individuals chose drugs. Not only do they feel good, the alternative can be a blend of emotions that swirl into a potent cocktail of misery. I am not shy about my mental health issues. While many days are fucking fabulous, there are also many days like the one I recount below. I am attempting to give a broader picture of whys of drug use. I make myself a second cup of tea. The first is for the dose of caffeine. The second is combat dehydration. This is the height of self care for today.  I check my phone for the twentieth time this hour. No texts. No calls. No social media likes telling me that I am a likeable. I feel myself leaning into that spiral that only ends at an emotional bottom worthy of suicidal ideation and dark chocolate. The self loathing has started again. I am forty six years old, I tell myself. Why do I give a flying fuck about the opinions of others. Yet I do. I absolutely do. If it isn’t a comment under my picture then I am wonderi...

"Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken".... " Is that from the Bible?" I ask "Are you quoting the fucking Bible to me right now while I am in the bowels of hell?" He takes a drag from his cigarette "yeah, it's from the Bible. How did YOU know?" He leans back against the brick wall, pushing his long bangs back into his hat. He is a handsome man. At 5'9" or so, just a tiny bit taller than me. He has that untamed muscular body that comes with an angry energy. His blue eyes peep out from underneath unkept bangs. In another life, In another place, he would be riding a skateboard not chasing a bag. The skateboard and the guitar and the xbox are long gone, just the Thrasher shirt and the Van remain. He doesn't have those blood stains yet. He isn't quite that seasoned.   "Um, that would be from four years of Catholic School..." I throw down my blankets nex...

" I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us..." The pink of the sky reveals the last bit of night that will save me from seeing myself in the last bit of sun. I caught a glimpse of who I used to be when I walked by the store front. The distortion was as infectious as the bacteria that creeps up my legs. I am an amalgam of chemicals, fear, sugar, and good intentions. I see the mother pull her child in closer as I walk by. I don't need to see myself to know how I appear to them.  I am a daughter. I am a sister. I am a woman. I am capable of love. These drugs that course through my veins provide me from a brief respite from the voices that announce on a daily basis that I am not worthy to walk along side the mortals shun me. I am godlike in that I have chosen suffering as the path to righteousness. I see a few minutes of joy in the waves of chemical satisfaction that stole me away from you.  If I ho...

I am obsessed with losing you. I am obsessed with your using. I am obsessed by all the signs and flags and flares that were thrown up that I ignored in my almost selfish pursuit of happiness. It was too much to think that I could find another person that made me laugh that could be “normal”. I misread all the cues. I am now thinking about heroin again. Not thinking about using it. There were silent promises made and broken on a daily basis. I dismissed myself in this process. As I received a steady diet of half truths, I settled into the idea that there must be something wrong- me of course. I thought it was me! How unsettling that is in retrospect. I blamed myself for your problems. I have become truly sick again. I have become immersed in the language and the mannerisms of a using addict believing them when I should be strong enough to recognize. Do I enjoy the familiarity this scenario brings? The cryptic messages my brain feeds me screening out moments of truth? I have s...