Monday, December 26, 2016

The Sweetest Thing

Finding a vein the first time.
Isn't that the sweetest thing?

I don't want to look at your face because I know what you are thinking. You are thinking you are so much better than me. Better as in well. Better as in you have the strength to resist all of life's more primal urges. You want me to understand that you excel in the art of "NO". You can hold back when my whole life revolves around GO. My heart is just a frozen sacrifice. I threw it in the dumpster next to the blood wipes. I passed by the smell of rotten air. I knew I belonged to this. I belong in this place, altered and alone. My confusion is only temporary. My focus is clear. Everything I need in life exists in little bags spit out by fragile men on street corners or hidden underneath the nut sack of some man I would never want to ask me for a favor.

Life is funny that way. It has the sickest sense of humor. As sick as me on a cold morning waiting for my man. Not a lover. The only really man in my life. The dopeman lies to me yet I say thank you every time. I am grateful to see the person I hate the most. I swallow all those curses I was about to deliver to him for being late. I walk hurriedly to my next destination, leaving behind the crumbs of my self esteem.

Where did I get that money? Does it really matter? Does it really matter that I lied to my job, lied to myself. Told my mother about some trip I needed to take. Told my trick I would see them soon, Told my friend I would pay them back next week. Told myself I would never do this again- until I did.

Finding a vein the first time.
Isn't that the sweetest thing.
It's the best thing that will happen today.
I will have to be okay with that.

     Recording the audiobook 



What is the sweetest thing about NOT being strung out? I woke up this morning sandwiched between two sheets next to my dog without worrying about if I was going to have to suck a dick today to get my next fix. Yes- I think that is pretty much it.
 There certainly are other things that are good. I enjoy having hot meals without being in county jail to receive them. I enjoy having a whole entire day without crippling stomach cramps. I enjoy having a day (relatively) free of lies such as "I'll be right there" "I'll be right back" and the popular "I'll be there in fifteen minutes". I enjoy having tits. I never have them when I am strung out. They are the first thing to go, after my self esteem, of course. I like having the ability to look down at my arms and legs for other reasons besides finding that one last spot that *might* work if I try to inject there. I enjoy spending time with my cats (probably too much 😉) and they seem at least moderately enthusiastic about spending time with me.



12 comments:

  1. Ah someone else who speaks with passion about the ups and downs of addiction. Recently began following your page. Recently been sober again for the first time in awhile. Recently realized sweet things come with sobriety. Thank you.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I'm glad this"dopemen" doing that shitty job.
    Before the proposition, there was the demand.
    They took the risk, for the addict that can live a life without the fear to be sentenced for many years.
    They are brothers,sometimes fathers, they have parents and they have the same feelings like every human being.
    I wish all of them a happy new year and a little bit of peace in this hard times.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I was incarcerated for drug sales. I'm a convicted felon.

      Delete
  3. Tracey Helton-Mitchell you are a beautiful soul.

    ReplyDelete
  4. This is powerful stuff...you have a truly unique and incredible voice as a writer. I bore easily with much of the writing in the genre of addiction related memoir(s). Your writing is brutal and naked and you have my full attention! Keep it up gal

    ReplyDelete