Monday, May 9, 2016

Love Kills

I feel this relationship crushing me like a wine glass underneath his boot. Can I salvage what little life I have left? The bruises are unmistakable. I was "lucky' that he didn't "kill me this time". I look at my face in the mirror, my pupils beam like eight balls in my eyes. It is time, I tell myself. Time to leave? Oh no, I don't have the self esteem to do that. Time to blast off again into the world of fuck it.

I sit back down on the toilet seat searching for the perfect spot. The breeze is blowing through the bars of the bathroom window, sending a chill up my exposed spine. It won't be long my heart will be pounding like the sound of someone slamming on this door to come in. Fear rings in my ears. The fear of getting caught in here, dirty rig in hand. The game now is to get these drugs into me faster than he can kick in the door.

"I KNOW YOU ARE IN THERE" he screams. He sounds like the police. "If you don't come out," he projects his voice through the lock of the door "I WILL kick this mother fucker in."

The blood is rushing through my body at the speed of sound. A few minutes ago, I had to use my shirt to stop my nose from bleeding. it was almost as if YOUFUCKINGBITCH was my name. The girls in jail tried to tell me, it wasn't what I am called, it was what I answered to...yeah. I know all that. Except this man has stalked me from one end of the block to the other. You cannot stay here, the hotel managers would tell me, too many problems was my name and my life. As I feel the heroin start to slowly creep up from ankle, I push my foot against the door to keep him out just a few minutes more. I flush my rig down the toilet. Sorry fish.

"Open this fucking door," I hear him pounding again, like the pounding in my ears. My eye is swelling now. I can feel the tightness as the pain slowly dissipates. "I'm taking a shit" I tell him. He knows better. When was the last time I ate anything.

I search for a shirt in my back pack. He ripped this one off of me, ripped it as I tried to get away. I pull the other one over me. There is no escaping my fate. I saw myself in the mirror in the bathroom, I was a shadow of my former self. I slip on my sunglasses, turning the lock with a sigh I let out into the universe. I heard it said that love kills. This one just beats me.


  1. I would really appreciate a copy of your book! If you have any to give those eho cant afford one.

  2. I would love a copy of your book. I am 1 year into recovery and I love reading your posts. I think what you do is amazing Tracey.

  3. Helo tracey, I come from the subreddit and I would love to have a copy of your book if you still have a few left. Thank you for what you do for people.

  4. You used to lead such a despairing "life".

  5. Hi Tracy, I am very interested in your book, I would love to buy it, problem is I've been an addict for 20yrs so as you can imagine money flows through my hands like water. I know it's down to me to at the end of the day whether I get clean or not but any insights your book may offer may certainly help.

    Karl X

  6. I would love a copy of your book but can't really afford it currently. I have struggled with addiction for 10 years. Right now I am in recovery but every day is a challenge.

  7. Hey tracey, I was wondering if....youve ever been about to hit and you had to clean your rig with bleach, then rinse it amd goto put your water on your hit And it turns blue? Like the bleach left in the rig is turning blue when it hits the H? I was concerned. And i cant find anything about it on the internet. Used it anyways of course...but yeah. Id love an answer. Also ive read about every one of your entries. You remind me of my mom. Strong woman. Im also an addict, i dont know if it was family genes or not. .but both my parents have been addicts my entire life. My mom mostly, most recently she has overcome a 7 year meth addiction and i myself am 20 and have been struggling as a H addict for almost two years. Lots going on and man i feel so disconnected from everything cept my cat most times. Just going on day after day hoping for a better future. Trying to get subs. Next week hopefully after classes and bullshit of months of trying. I have a SO and we are both addicts. Both in the sub program together. we want a family. Just got our first apartment and im out of the job recently. I want to do my art but feel lathargic in recovery. Fuck man every day its something new shitting on me. Age of technology so all i see is people who have cooler lives. But thank you for making your struggle public because i relate and i feel you. I hope i can have a family and a life after addiction like you have. Been clean two and a half weeks til the day before yesterday. Fucking stupidest idea. Paid a guy ten dollars for a used rig. Thats the question at the top of my comment i asked about. My arm hurts. Haven't had my period but am a week late and spotted. Took two tests both negative. Im a goddamn mess.

    1. I have never heard of bleach turning anything blue- dope or otherwise