Friday, September 11, 2015

A Generation Lost

I am 45 years old now. I am soft in the middle. I own a home in the San Francisco Bay Area (the bank owns most of it). I have three children. I racked up a bachelor's degree, a master's degree, and an addiction studied credential. I have almost as much in retirement accounts as I do student loan debt. I have traveled to Canada, Mexico, Europe, and across the US. I wrote a book then another. I have tried every drug I could get my hands on. I have had my share of lovers, lost many friends. In fact,  I have lived 15 years past my expiration date.

When I was using drugs, the Sex Pistols reminded me there was "No Future". There was no future for a person like me. I hated the world. I hated the establishment. Most of all, I hated myself. I am not sure how I went from a loving, confident child to an anxious teen full of self- loathing. Incrementally, I changed into a person that was afraid of the world. I was afraid of my reactions. I got into drugs and alcohol because it was that or suicide. The solution later became my problem.

I survived the Era of AIDS, attempts on my life, 34 abscesses, living on the streets, overdoses, and other forms of violence. That chapter of my life ended in handcuffs. It started when I decided to turn my life around. I was twitching and sweating on a plastic mattress on the floor of the county jail. They gave me a plastic bag to collect my vomit. I wanted to put it over my head, to suffocate everything I was feeling- everything I knew I would feel if I quit drugs. I did it. I stayed clean ever since. 17 long years.

I worry about you all, my friends. I see you all as the lost generation. 126 people dying everyday for opioid overdoses. Is it more now? The number changes every day. 126 lives lost to these drugs. A family that is now torn apart. Friends spiraling into a tidal pool of grief. A community will lose it's greatest resource, a young person full of ideas.

I fear for you. I fear for your safety. Every day, another person dead. Some days, there are two that I know. What must you all be thinking? What are you feeling, knowing that could be you? How many lives have you lost?

How long will people sit around and watch people die before they decide enough is enough? I wonder if we will have a whole generation lost.




11 comments:

  1. Chapeau. You did it! Not everyone of us has so much power & strength! - Greetings from Germany! ... 7 Months now....After 30 years of rollercoasting... - Hugs! 😉

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  2. Hi Tracey ,
    I love reading your blog and cant wait to see new posts. You give me so much hope on my hopeless days, laughter on my laughless days. You remind me of the hurt using has caused myself and my family.
    Todays a bad day, i pray tomorrow is better. Some days are just okay in my sobriety.Somedays are horrible and i sweat and cry , hang on counting minutes until the anxiety passes. I pray often for peace of mind. I tell myself what you often tell your readers , that if you did it we can do it! Looking forward not backwards yet never forgetting what got me where it is I am. Today has been difficult . Im frought with anxiety that comes in waves. After a yr off of methadone I am still struggling with panic attacks and sleepless nights.
    I still dream about drugs and i still have cravings.
    Your blog has helped get me this far . Wanted to tell you thank you and say what an inspiration youve become in my journey.

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    1. Getting off methadone is a hard journey. Getting off opiates is tough. It will take while but I promise you will feel better again

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    2. 25 years héroïne, 3 years Méthadone, 49 now and plenty of all kind detox. Thx for tout kindness lové from France

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  3. Your story brings me hope. Certainly in for a life long battle, doesn't help when so few understand. 28 days now.

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    1. 28 days is awesome. You are finally starting to feel better

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  4. If Methadone is hard to kick, why do they give it to addicts trying to detox? There has to be a better way.

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    1. Methadone is easier to come off than Heroin. It helps as a bridge between Heroin addiction and being clean. Hope this helps explain.

      Sorry if I'm butting in here Tracy...I couldn't resist:)

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    2. It really depends on the person. Methadone provides a resting place that can be absolutely necessary. It is designed for people who have tried to kick on their own at least two times (US federal requirement) and need extra assistance.

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    3. They never once asked me at the clinic I go to if I had tried to kick before.

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