Friday, June 19, 2015

"Depression's Got a Hold of Me..."

I didn't start sticking a needle in my arm because my life was working well for me. I started using drugs because I was depressed and lonely.

When I was young, I remember the feeling of never feeling like I belonged anywhere. I grew up with the same set of kids from K-8. It should have created some sense of normalcy to know things were going to be the same from year to year. Instead it made me feel trapped. I always had the sense that I was smaller than everyone, that I was somehow insignificant. Being fat and wearing glasses certainly didn't help. I was the last kid picked on the team, of course. The last person anyone wanted to spend time with in any way shape or form. I felt powerless until I found drugs.

Drugs made me feel powerful. Drugs made me feel important. I felt a smug sense of satisfaction when I ran into one of the most popular kids from my elementary school when I was in my 20's. He was fiending for more cocaine. Here you are bitch boy- in my world trying to trade your watch for an overpriced bump. Remember when you wouldn't talk to me? Look at you now. Drugs created a level playing field. Finally, something I could EXCEL at. I may not be the prettiest but I was frequently the smartest and I could get drugs.

I should backtrack- when I say drugs, I mean your social type drugs. Opiates are entirely different to me. Opiates are not the type of drugs you want to share. When you give away opiates, it is like letting your best friend feel up your girlfriend or some equally fucked up feeling. Like damn. I wanted to keep this stuff to myself type of drug. When you smoke crack, the first thing on your mind is WHEN IS THAT PIPE COMING BACK TO ME WITH MORE CRACK. When you do opiates, you think to yourself HOW CAN I FEEL LIKE THIS FOREVER. It is all consuming joy followed by the let down of a lifetime. The opiate let down is like finding out your partner has been faking it for all this time combined with finding out you were adopted and your real parents fucking hated you feeling. Yes, emotionally, it is that bad.

I started doing heroin because I was depressed and lonely.
 It made me more and more and more isolated until my world was a little cardboard box where I lived. I lived in a fucking cardboard box. I kept all my belongings in a backpack or a shopping cart. I ended up in a place I hope you never go. I see you readers. I see you on social media, I see your posts. You are thoughtful, compassionate, and intelligent. We share the same condition- a crippling fear of reality. We are so sensitive. We feel crushed by the world around us. I just want you to know that someone understands.


14 comments:

  1. Wonderful, meaningful words Tracey, thank you!

    ReplyDelete
  2. extremely well said, as always.....jf

    ReplyDelete
  3. Drugs do give us a sense of false power. But think, now that you have so much clean time and a loving family, haven't drugs taught you a lot and given a truly formidable power? I always remind myself that I wouldn't be who I am today if not for my past. And I LOVE myself and everything about life these days. Even the difficult, emotionally challenging moments. Another great read, Tracey, thank you :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I love my life today. My past has given me, personally, lots of strength. I think it is also important to recognize the way my pass impacted me

      Delete
  4. Chasing the dragon sucks. Today i refuse to chase i got some adderral to get me through. I gotta give up snorting H for 3 years now its gonna lead to a needle. I hate needles though

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Are you trying to quit, take a break, or just use less?

      Delete
  5. I dont know. Going a fewdays not jonesin all day would be fun. I forgot how that feels

    ReplyDelete
  6. Tracy you're a pearl of a human being ... You really restore my faith in humanity

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am glad to hear I had a postive impact on you

      Delete
  7. Love this post and love the BF ref. I see what you did there 👌

    ReplyDelete