Thursday, April 16, 2015

Not my usual post

Sometimes I get lonely.
I get very depressed.
Some weekends, I just want to sleep.
I am afraid to talk to people I don't know.
I avoid going places because of anxiety.
My heart races with fears of the future.
I have thought about killing myself more than once.
I binge on food until I feel sick.
I look at porn and feel disgusted with myself.
I wear loose clothes because I hate to see my rolls of fat.
I look at my phone so you won't talk to me.
I am afraid to get close to anyone. I am afraid they might leave me.

I am saying all this to say I am human.

Recovery did not fix all my feelings. I have many good days. I have fucked up days as well. My life is far from perfect. I go through a full range of emotions. I just want to let you know that feeling these things are normal. You are not alone.

I am like my cats. 

Joy can be so simple - 
like a nap in the sun. 

Find your joy today. 
You deserve it. 


  1. I was like that too. Always leave before you get left was what I believed. But I found my joy in the sun today. I still have your DVD and the reminder of your kindness. Thank you.

  2. Easy for me to say "...but look what you've done with your life post recovery!", but yeah, I sometimes have those feelings too. But LOOK at what you've done. You're a boss, babe!

  3. I can relate to a lot of what you wrote in this post. Especially "I am afraid to get close to anyone. I am afraid they might leave me." People who I considered to be my "best friend" for many years of my life, I no longer speak to. Life can be cruel sometimes, but it is certainly easier to deal with when I'm clean that's for sure.

    1. Well for me, part of that has certainly come from the fact that I have had so many friends and family die in the years that I have been clean

  4. Even in house full of people I feel alone at times. Thankyou for writing this..Becca

  5. I feel like I know you. You're real.

    1. I appreciate that cause it's what I would say about myself but I can never come up with the right words. You have a gift.