Thursday, April 16, 2015

Not my usual post

Sometimes I get lonely.
I get very depressed.
Some weekends, I just want to sleep.
I am afraid to talk to people I don't know.
I avoid going places because of anxiety.
My heart races with fears of the future.
I have thought about killing myself more than once.
I binge on food until I feel sick.
I look at porn and feel disgusted with myself.
I wear loose clothes because I hate to see my rolls of fat.
I look at my phone so you won't talk to me.
I am afraid to get close to anyone. I am afraid they might leave me.

I am saying all this to say I am human.

Recovery did not fix all my feelings. I have many good days. I have fucked up days as well. My life is far from perfect. I go through a full range of emotions. I just want to let you know that feeling these things are normal. You are not alone.


I am like my cats. 

Joy can be so simple - 
like a nap in the sun. 

Find your joy today. 
You deserve it. 

11 comments:

  1. I was like that too. Always leave before you get left was what I believed. But I found my joy in the sun today. I still have your DVD and the reminder of your kindness. Thank you.

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  2. Easy for me to say "...but look what you've done with your life post recovery!", but yeah, I sometimes have those feelings too. But LOOK at what you've done. You're a boss, babe!

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  3. I can relate to a lot of what you wrote in this post. Especially "I am afraid to get close to anyone. I am afraid they might leave me." People who I considered to be my "best friend" for many years of my life, I no longer speak to. Life can be cruel sometimes, but it is certainly easier to deal with when I'm clean that's for sure.

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    1. Well for me, part of that has certainly come from the fact that I have had so many friends and family die in the years that I have been clean

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  4. Even in house full of people I feel alone at times. Thankyou for writing this..Becca

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  5. I feel like I know you. You're real.

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    1. I appreciate that cause it's what I would say about myself but I can never come up with the right words. You have a gift.

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