Monday, June 9, 2014

When the Dope Starts Doing You Part Two

Remember your first crush? Not that hottie in home room. Remember the first time you stuck something up your nose? Remember the first time someone held off your arm? Remember the romance of your first high. You puked on the sidewalk and thought FUCK I WANT TO FEEL THIS WAY FOREVER. Then, the honeymoon when the dope was plentiful and we still had FUN together. It was so fun. I scratched my skin until it bled. My eyes rolled back in my head. And I never felt so alive as when I brushed the hand of death trying to pull me in. We were doing some drugs my friend.

One day, I felt sick. I felt a heaviness in my legs and I knew. That is a moment when the dope starts doing you. I was emptying my bank account with empty envelopes. I was sleeping behind the counter at work. My cupboards were bare and my spoons were full. The dope, it seemed, at turned on me. BUT I LOVE YOU, I told me drugs. We can never go back to the way it was. The romance is dead and the lie is true. You thought you were doing the the drugs but the dope was doing you.

I wake up in a cold sweat. I dreaming of those days. I was reaching for the needle and woke up in a haze. I have been clean sixteen years. I have some control. The drugs don't rule my life but I feel that pain deep down in my soul.

I gave up my life for one more hit.
I kicked ten times, it took eleven to quit.
I stole from my job.
I stole from my friends.
I stole from myself,
My lies had no end,
I stole from my mother and sold her stuff.
I turned tricks for dope,
It wasn't enough.

I know many functional users. You may not relate to what you see. I know many people feel like some how they are better than me. Some people can use successfully. I know that is true. Ask yourself though, is the dope just using you? Are you doing the drugs or are they doing you.

I want to let anyone reading this that there is hope.
If you still enjoy using, be safe.
If you are on the fence, try using less.
If you are ready to stop, give yourself a chance at life.

The picture below is of an abscess scar. I almost lost my leg because I did not take care of it.
I had got it taken care of but I never changed the bandage for almost a month. My leg stunk so bad that the police who caught me argued about letting me go because no one wanted to take me to the hospital. I just didn't care about myself or my life. When they filmed me for "Black Tar Heroin" in the jail, they were treating me for this one and three other infections. I am so grateful I'm not dead and lived to tell you this tale


  1. I am grateful you survived, too. Thank you for telling your tales. I can relate to this post.

  2. Favorite post so far Tracey.


    1. Thanks for reading. I'm glad you liked it