Life as an addict...half the time you spend it high, the other half you spend waiting to get high...the never ending chase for a little peace of mind. It took awhile for me to finally wander down that path..it wasnt so much a path, but more of a dimly lit corridor that is barely 3 feet wide, with doorways every 15 feet that contain small compartments of heaven and hell...with the aroma of sulphur mixed with burning copper and the never ending scent of crack being smoked...these odors stick with you like the smell of death, once youve smelled a decomposing body you will never forget it...
"The anticipation of pleasure or pain is always greater than the reality of it" all the time you spend thinking about how great the next high will be usually leads to disappointment...especially if your deep into your addiction. You dream of how great the next hit of crack will taste, how relaxing the next nod will be, how high the next joint will get you...and it doesnt, so you keep chasing....like living life in a hamster wheel.
Its the chase that is part of the high for me, the calls, the meetups, the score...and that few moments of bliss as your preparing your fix...for me I was a snorter of anything and everything, as needles as I never got along too well..but I could snort and 8ball through a tiny coffee straw with ease
Black Tar Heroin, black beauty, downtown julie and bobby brown, boy, dogfood....just to name a few nicknames. My first bag I copped was a half gram for $20 ( I got ripped for awhile, full grams are $20 or less now in SF if you know the right people)...I secured my package and headed home to prepare. I couldnt believe it, I finally copped heroin...wow.
My first attempt was to smoke it, I had been fascinated by the opium pipes used by the chinese in the dens...they all looked so peaceful and I craved that peace. After spreading some tar on the oil I attempted to chase tbe dragon, and that dragon bitch slapped my lungs...there was no warning about the taste and harshness from my dealer, so that didnt work....you would think I would stop there
I then learned how to turn tar into powder, id freeze the tar if it was the gooey kind, crush up some sleeping pills and add tben both into a pill bottle with a few coins and cap it. A few shakes later and the mixture turned into the powder form I was seeking...now it was time to party. I was no stranger to snorting dope, I had battled crack, coke and meth addiction previously and my nose was well seasoned...
I began snorting heroin and never stopped....fell in love wih the nod and coulddt go...I found a new love, one I must keep secret.
Its a love hate relationship that is now a big part of me...kind of like the girlfriend I currently have, cant stand it but I cant let go.
The way heroin turns off my emotions is magical, it makes me numb to my mental pain ( I suffer from PTSD, insomnia, depression and anxiety) heroin shuts up the voice in my head and allows me to just relax....I get irritable when im high, but its better than high anxiety...and it lessens with the higher I get...soon im cool as can be with my dopey smile and low eyes, and then I turn into a bobblehead,trying to stay awake.
I once said that if I knew I had a terminal illness or didnt want to live anymore, I would buy 5 grams of heroin and kill myself with it...HA...if I had only known, 5 grams wouldnt kill me..might give me a mean headache but thats all. No one will ever believe me but withdrawal is something I havent experienced, call me lucky. First thing you are thinking is "you didnt do enough" or "yeah right...bullshit"
2-3 grams a day for months at a time, and when the supplier ran dry....yeah, I was pissed and mentally fiending for it, but no cold sweats, no restless legs, no pain, no nausea...I dont understand it and neither does anyone I use with, after a 2 day run they are fucked and fearing sickness, and herebi am...just fine, grumpy as fuck but im not shaking and puking. I think my father had done so much dope in his years that I was born with some weird tolerance for heroin...unexplainable as hell, but im not complaining...yeah I know..."bullshit" right?...
My days of going hard are over, I still get high from time to time, but my life no longer revolves around copping dope....Heroin is the best sleepin aid ever, and ive tried everything short of propofol for insomnia. Ive cut loose a lot of associates who got lost on dope, they werent friends.....friends keep in touch when you stop getting high, friends call you to say whats up and check in on you...these fucks were the type to leave you somewhere dying and not turn back because they didnt want to get in trouble...and then raid your pockets when your dead...heartless fucks with no loyalty.
At 35 I think ive finally hit a point when I can say "im too old for this shit"
Ive defeated the gorilla many times in small battles, but he returns because the war on drugs never ends...temptation is his tool and your weakness is his food, how do you think that monkey keeps his weight up? He feeds off your soul like a parasite, everytime you feed hi. He grows stronger...and when hes hungry the rage is unreal.
One day I got so stressed out I decided to try that chinese relaxation thing with the needles....what it called again?.....oh yeah...HEROIN. -JF