We can never tell

I was thinking alot the past few days about the death of an addict. When I heard that Spanky died on Jan 17, I wasn't surprised because of his years of poor health. I was taken aback my my sadness. Here was a young man I loved- sure it was junkie love- but loved passionately at one time in my life. In early recovery, I used to accept his phone callas from jail and we would discuss getting back together if he ever got clean. Early on, I knew these were empty promises. I remember running into him after he was released. I was caught offguard by the smell of alcohol as I gave him a quick goodbye kiss. WTF? I thought you really meant it this time. I was only harbouring a glimmer of hope for him. That fire was quickly and publicly extinquished in that moment. I had decided that I needed to love myself more than any drug induced fanatsy that love conquers all. Love is love and it never stopped anyone from using.

RIP Spanky. When you had that six months of clean time, I'm glad I got a chance to hash things out with you. I told you to stick with the men and go to meetings. I had already moved on but I hoped for a second I could pull you where I was at.

I sent you thse messages. I hope you read them. In my heart, I know you did.
Tracey Helton

Daniel, I am sorry that you are so sick. Using sucks and it tears a person apart. I hope that you can feel better soon. I had some weird dreams about you a few months back. i was hoping you were going to come by and see my at my work. Maybe when I go back in late May. I am caught up with the family life. I have a great situation going but I don't forget where I came from. I just had 13 years clean in feb. I definately will always care for you and wish you recovery.
May 13, 2011
  • Tracey Helton

    i had another weird dream about you. i hope you are doing okay.


      • Comments

      1. UnknownApril 15, 2019 at 6:47 PM

        You said that you slept with three guys toy knew had HIV. Did any of your boyfriend's had or have it now giving some were sex workers? There's rumors my husband that I haven't been with in 8,years has HIV after a time period of being homeless in Orlando then returning to the same county outside Cincinnati where we are from. The rumors is he was tested in jail and came out positive. I have had men I was seeing before I got clean a year ago block me when these rumors surfaced. So I was just wondering. Your lucky you have a good husband he is the father of my kids (my husband).

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        Replies
        1. traceyh415April 15, 2019 at 7:02 PM

          I was shooting dope in the early 90s where a good portion of IV drug users had HIV. There were no meds so it was a fairly hopeless situation

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