traceyh415

There is nothing like a perfect junkie boy with perfect junkie collarbones feeding me perfect little lies. I look at him, with his pinned eyes. I know that everything will, in fact, not be alright. I want it to be very very wrong. There is something about the way you treat me. There is something about your swagger. The way you make me feel safe then pull that feeling away like a hot cooker. I feel for you. I feel with you. I melt into you while you drift away, dreaming of an endless pile of get well that will keep us together for ever. I love your bruises. I kiss your swollen knee, swollen from running from the security guard when you boosted us those pints of Ben and Jerry's. I would love for you to hold me, those arms cold and clammy. Maybe we can fuck today? Tomorrow? Next month after we get our checks. No, I haven't gotten my period yet but i know I'm not pregnant because I didn't let that trick come inside me. I've told you a hundred fucking times. We were both...

Fuck this. Fuck this. Fuck this. Fuck that. FUCK IT. Fuck you. What the fuck. Ugh. Fuck. Please feel free to add to the list. This is where my mind is at today. A swirling vessel of chaos. I wish I had some insight as to why I end up back in this place so frequently. I grew up in chaos. It formed me into who I am. I respond better in a crisis than happiness. It just doesn't feel as good.

"I relapsed" the blue bubble passes across the screen. "I'm afraid I might lose you" At least I know you are alive to send this message. That is little consolation though. I had finally put two and two together. I am surprised that it took me so long. All the hits were there. The faint smell of alcohol. The long list of excuses of why you could not hang out. Unfortunately, my self esteem is so low at times I completely began to wonder what was wrong with ME. "I know" I push send. I am a sentence too late. I know, I knew, I don't know what to say. "I am here for you". Whatever that means. How could I have missed it? I am not sure. Heroin strikes again. That fucking bitch. Haven't you killed enough of my friends? Haven't you taken enough from me? My freedom, my lovers, a big chunk of my life. Even the acknowledgement that yes, heroin is involved, brings on a new wave of sorrow. I am the "queen" of harm reduction. What the ...

The sky opened up. It started to rain, raining buckets. I thought I would drown if I played my cards right. All I was playing was broken hearts. I looked for the connection. Even Mexican drug dealers have limitations. He wore a garbage bag poncho, unprepared for the Northern California weather. "Uno", I told him. I really wanted two. I NEEDED two. One wasn't going to do shit. He looked around before he spit the dope into his hand. In his confusion, he gave me a half instead of a quarter. I wasn't going to complain. I've seen junkies try to get brownie points by mentioning errors in the transaction. Oh look- you gave me x.y,z. Fuck all that. It is me verses everyone. I look into his brown eyes. How old is he? Where did he come from. The last one told me he was 15, brought up her from Mexico specifically to sell dope with his cousin. The one before him was 14. They are all disposable- just like me. They grow fuzzy patches of facial hair to try to make themselv...

This week marked 19 years since I quit using drugs. I had planned this elaborate post outlining all the horrors that drug use brought me that I was going to share with you. Then, the strangest thing happened. I went out on a long walk around the city I love with a new friend. When I got home, I was simply too happy to take myself back into that place. Depression is a comfortable sweater for me. Only there are times when I really want to change my clothes. I took off all those layers of anxiety and that veil of sadness a few times this week. I have to say, it felt REALLY fucking good. There are many days over the past 19 years when I have wondered if my brain will ever recover from the damage I did to it. Between the heroin, the crack, the 4-6+ days up on amphetamines, to the copious amounts of benzos, I have feared for my long term sanity. Getting together and talking to another person who has the same issues made me feel like I am not so isolated. In fact, there ARE people who want ...