traceyh415

I am covered in filth from doing adult duties around my house. I will get in the shower after I get hydrated. My day started at 6:30 am. The kids all got up at the crack of dawn, despite the fact that it is Saturday. I have some kind of cold that was passed along by the little germs boxes known as my children. It felt as if someone hat stuck a red hot poker in my throat when I got up. I could have gone straight to the tv sitter and back in bed but I wanted to make sure they wanted some breakfast. I had totally forgot I had some groceries that still needed to be put away. That started off my "things to do list". Today has been filled with laundry, sorting toys, sweeping, recycling old plastic crap they kids seem to get at any fast food place. I had to clean the bathroom, wash dishes (no dishwasher), cook meals, wash more dishes, sweep again, take out the garbage, and take care of pets. These things are in a stark contrast to the things I used to do. I needed to be hydrated s...

Thank you for the past three years. I started out using this spot as a place to vent my crazy thoughts. It has turned into my passion. You all are a big part of that. I enjoy our talks, your emails. Thank you for making one recovering junkie's dreams come true. A lot of you have been following my blog for years now. You have been through my highs and my lowest of lows. You remember my e-book? You remember my appearances on CNN? You have read my articles and seen a zillion pictures of my cats. Anyway, my book is coming out March 8. I really worked with the publisher to try to get a price that is affordable. The price is going to be $24.  The link is  here .

Rise together works with youth in Wisconsin and the surrounding areas. The link is  here .

I am from a different generation of users. I think we kinda liked being called junkies. While we may or may not have enjoyed the junkie lifestyle, at least it was never boring. I have seen a lifetime of hustles. Everything from the guy who used to steal eggs and sell them to corner stores to the guy who went out on the corner to sell the suit his family bought him for the funeral of one of his relatives to tales of someone wheeling a dead senior citizen into the bank to cash his last social security check before the nursing home found out he has finally passed. I was a simple addict. I use the term addict because it fits me. I don't think everyone who uses drugs are addicts. Many are not even dependent. That, however, was not me. I was addicted to drugs, addicted to that lifestyle. I was addicted to the struggle of being balls deep in the grips of whatever drug motivated me to get up every morning. I wasn't ashamed of the fact that more than once I begged a dealer for a bag...

I did not write it but please check out these graphic on the spread of overdose deaths here

Well, it is official readers.   You are dying . When I was 20 years old, I injected opioids for the first time. It was some shitty pills that needed a cold water extraction. I was with a friend. We had a used syringe that had been passed along by someone else. Both of us- bored. I wish I could give a better reason for why we tried it. But the REAL truth is that we both lived in podunk outskirts of Cincinnati, Ohio. Our options were pretty limited in terms of things we found to be exciting. We both lived at home with our parents. We both had crappy jobs. We both had histories of alcohol and drug use in our families. We both had been depressed. But most of all, we were bored. We were afraid of what the future might have in store for us. We were in a prolonged state of adolescence that comes with have both limited responsibilities and coping skills. The drugs seemed appealing, opioids even more so. They promised an escape, a chemical vacation. We shared that needle that day. ...

Over the years I have written this blog, I have told numerous unflattering stories about myself. This is one that still makes me cringe. I fell in love with with a beautiful junkie boy. It isn't hard to see why. He gave me these looks, his blue eyes pinned in such a way that I could see the gold flecks that peppered them. I wasn't thinking about any kind of relationship when I met him. The only thing I was concerned with was dope. Period. A little over seven months ago, I was arrested trying to mix up a half gram of tar in an alley. It wasn't one of my brighter moves. Of course, when you live outside and look like a dirty junkie, that lives you with imited options in terms of places to shoot up. In a case of even worse luck, I was unable to inject in my hands, arms or feet. This made a speedy process impossible. Despite being outdoors in front of God and everyone, I would shoot up in my legs. Legs which did indeed look like I had fallen asleep and been chewed on by rats...

Here is the link to a story I wrote for the Daily Beast  Click here . I am going to print some of the interviews I could not fit in the article.

"Can anybody find me...somebody to love me?" I use my headphones to tune everyone else out. It isn't easy on days like today. I performed my usual fuck up with expert precision. I spent my rent money on dope then I did all my dope. So now, wait for it, .... I have no place to stay AND no dope. Like I said, I am a journeyman at crafting bad decisions. "What is that shit you are listening to?!" He rudely interrupts.  Anyone who refers to Queen or anything Queen related in a derogatory fashion is instantly a fucking asshole to me. I don't give a shit how punk rock or how hardcore a motherfucker you think you are, Freddy Mercury was everything to me. Queen is probably too sophisticated for this person. He probably thinks House of Pain is gangster rap. I hate when people come from the suburbs and try to dictate to me what I must like because I am getting them drugs. I am sorry. Do all junkies only have a few musical choices? Must I be playing "Jane...

There is an old expression that "you can't go home again." This certainly seems to be true of us junkies. By the time we get our shit together, we have done unbelievable amounts of damage to everyone around us. If it isn't the job we fucked up, the apartments we neglected, or the friends we completely shunned for joy in a plastic sack it is the family whom we disappointed repeatedly. Even if they forgive us, it can be incredible painful to forgive ourselves.  I get asked if I believe addiction is a disease. I know plenty of people believe it. I am not sure I am one of the them. I do believe that addiction starts out as pleasure seeking and turns into a mental obsession paired with physical cravings that are not easily quelled. When you talk to people in the first days, weeks, months, or even years after quitting drugs it takes awhile for them to get past that feeling as if they are missing something beyond a pill, bag, or feeling. It is as if they describe missing ...