traceyh415

​ One thing that is hard for me to do is to pinpoint when I consider I became an “addict”. I started smoking weed when I was thirteen years old and smoked pretty much every single day until I was in college. I don’t consider that an addiction because I could go without it easily. I started doing psychedelic drugs my senior year of high school (mushrooms, LSD, DMT etc.), but I also don’t consider that an addiction because that is something that nobody can do every single day. I started snorting cocaine and molly (ecstasy) my second year of college, I’m not sure if I would consider this an addiction. I was friends with a group of kids that would do it a lot and I saw a money-making opportunity. I started selling a lot of molly. And like most other things in my life this turned out too good to be true. As soon as I started buying ounces and making serious cash, I got arrested for a DWI and I had four grams left of molly on me and also a little DMT and some Adderall pills.  This is pr...

I was out with my kids today. I was struck by the irony. It was an overcast morning. The fog was slowly being eaten up by the rays of sunshine forcing their will over the hill side. I was parked in my camping chair. I just got a new set of blue Coleman camping chairs specifically for this occasion. Mine has a cup holder on one side and room for a cold pack on the other. I got two of them so my husband could sit next to me. There were two other chairs. One looks like a little fox. The other one was a little brown bear. My two sons were sitting in them eating their Cheetos. I was imploring them not to get cheeto dust all over their baseball pants before we got to the game. They have white pants that won't be white for much longer. They spend more time playing in the dirt on the field then hitting the ball. We were there this morning to watch my daughter play softball. This is the first year they actually keep score. Now is the time where they have winners and losers. She will start...

A reader asked me to make a happy post. They said they needed a dose of hope now and then.  There is life after heroin. There is life after drug addiction. I used to wake up every morning, shoot drugs. Degrade myself. Shoot more drugs. Beg, borrow, steal, shame. Shoot more drugs. Nod. Eat sugary snacks. Degrade myself. Shoot more drugs. Drain an abscess. Pass out. FUCK YEAH heroin. It wasn't always that way. When I first started, I was a college student. I had a decent apartment. I had friends. I had a shitty job in retail where I met my friends at the bar after work on Fridays for happy hour. I had this whole LIFE that slowly melted away. I never "regained" my old life. My old self was gone. I had changed- my experiences had changed me. I got a life that is much better. I get up everyday next to my husband (if he hasn't gotten up first for work). I make myself cereal and soymilk. I chill on the couch while scrolling through my emails. I get the kids up around...

When I look at my kids, I see reflections of the promise that was once there. I really enjoy the clean slate and their fresh perspective on my life. They see me as a totally different person, one without a past, one that is perfect the way I am today. I suppose this was the way I was before all the insecurities and curiosity that turned me to drugs. When I get ready for bed at night, I spent a lot of time reflecting. The time period when I first started drinking and smoking pot except it just is not that interesting to me. There was nothing unusual about it. That time was spent partying with friends. I even had a period where I was completely abstinent from drugs and alcohol. At the time, it was not much of an issue. Things started to spiral in a completely different direction in late 1990. My drinking became uglier and I became an unhappy person. When I smoked pot, I smoked as much as I could possibly handle. I really liked going to school but I really liked getting high on a da...

"Being a junkie is bad", he tells me  "I don't mean "bad" as in a value judgement sort of bad like hey dude, you are fucked up because you are a junkie kind of bad. Being a junkie is a ton of fucking work." I can see the lighter hit the target without seeing his face on geeze. People smoking meth look highly unattractive. It smells like nail polish remover crossed with butane and death. I am surprised the smell of that stuff doesn't kill every roach for two miles. I hate hanging out with tweakers. I mean I am a tweaker, sort of. I like to use meth but I cannot imagine using it day after day after day, year after year. I am not the kind of person to take a part a computer and try to rebuild it. I don't go headfirst into a dumpster then come to a day later. I don't whack off until my snatch is scabby. I just like to be up then come down. I am an equal opportunity user. This guy invited himself over for my birthday. He said he would give m...