traceyh415

When I say "the last day I ever used", I want to make it perfectly clear to readers. I am done using drugs. It was not easy but it was worth it. February 26, 1998. It was the day that changed everything.  The hotel Kinney was not for the faint at heart. It was not the kind of place you would visit unless you needed something. The place was a beacon for empty souls that filled that space with vices of all sorts. The rooms were dingy and dark. They smelled like old beer, crack, and stale cigarettes. The elevator was the type that had a gate that needed to be slowly slid into place before it would trudge to the next floor. The stairwell was always a center of illicit commerce. The hallways were the site of many a robbery and even an occasional rape. It was generally assumed using the bathroom in the sink in your room was safer than walking down the hall to the shared toilets. Someone was knocking on doors looking for matches or chore boy.  I had given up my room facing...

Blood. I'm covered in blood. Where did all this blood come from? Crusted old blood. I wish I had some toothpicks to prop my eyes open.  How many klonopin did I take? 2? 4? And a phenergan too? Ugh. Benzos are like magic. You take one then the rest disappear. One day I had taken a handful of klonopin after my mediocre shot of heroin. Apparently, I was walking against a parking meter. I thought I was still walking up the street. I know this because the paramedics stopped me. They parked next to me. They watched me for awhile. I learned that evening that they can NOT narcan you if you are standing aka ambulatory even if you are walking into a parking meter. I supposed they could have taken me to the psych ward. Sometimes they do if you are weaving in and out of traffic. I got hit by a car once but I was dopesick that day. I wasn't trying to kill myself or get pills at the hospital. They guy almost backed over my head to get away in his Mercedes. It was a hit and run. Fuck, I have ...

Just got back from a mini vacation. My recovery anniversary is next week. This always puts me in a strange mood. I was grateful to get away with my family. Here are a few pictures. 

I didn't want to be born a heroin addict. I wasn't born this way. I created this monster. My love/hate relationship was forged somewhere at the intersection of depression and poor choices. It is as if my relationship with the drug is inextricable from my ability to function. Once that feeling enters the body, it is as if no other joy ever existed. "Quit puking out my fucking window" I tell him. What kind of fucking asshole pukes out your window when there is a bathroom five feet away. He reaches out to me. "Hand me some water " he commands me. I am not getting this dude anything. I need to get him out of my place. I kick his leg instead. "Get your shit together dude" I tell him. "You need to get the fuck out of my place." This is fucking bullshit. I am not taking care of a god damned amateur. I don't even see how this is humanly possible. He got one half gram to split between three of us. I made up the shots so of course, I ga...

As I listen to the wind chimes rattle from the neighboring apartment, I know what I need to do. A feeling of dread comes over me. I am warm under my sleeping bag in the middle of his couch as the rain drips off the bars on the window. I am not sure how much longer my friend will let me stay here. A day more? Two? When he finds some new boy toy, I am back on the streets.   It is nice to be in a place where I can take a bath. He has one of those claw foot bath tubs. The water gets so hot the steam will fill up the entire room. The last time I stayed here, I had been up for four days on speed. I pulled my dirty ass into the bathtub, trying to be gentle with the hands I had cut up while I was tweaking through piles of stuff outside the goodwill looking for shiny treasures. I was so tired, I slipped under the still water a few times. I woke up gasping for air without the strength to pull myself out. This went on over and over until the water got cold and shocked me awake again....