traceyh415

I am not really sure why children don't enjoy sleep as much as me. Or at least MY children. Please new mothers, do not believe all the stuff people tell you "oh, they should be sleeping through the night at ___" or "just let them cry it out" or the famous "if ONLY you were co-sleeping". My son is almost two and still wakes up. He slept in the same room with us until less than six months ago. He still woke up. I breastffeed as a semi crunchy mom. Let the haters hate- my son STILL gets a bottle. Throw stones now glass house residents. I am resolved to the fact that some kids are not sleep through the night sleepers. If you have one- I had one of three- do not put it in our face. WE are tired, we don't want to hear it. I promise. Moms get bitchy, judgy, and all those other things from time to time. We love our kids but don't expect us to embrace every aspect of parenting. Breastfeeding is hard, bottle feeding is tiring, cloth diapers stink, disp...

Depressed. Sitting in the bed with my clothes still on. I don’t have the energy to make anything happen for myself. I have slept 14 hours. Or maybe 15. I am not sure. My hair hurt. I’m tired. I am in mood again. I thought I had these feelings suppressed better than a happy memory.. I can’t eat enough sugar, take enough baths, spent enough money to get these enormous stones off my chest. The world is slanted and blurry. I still remember. I lay by myself on a sidewalk… I have done maybe a gram of speed today. I am laying behind my shopping chart on my blankets in a dirty parking garage on Sutter street, San Francisco. 25 years old, hopeless and homeless. It’s been raining recently and the rain comes in the garage and homeless kids sleep around the puddles if they sleep at all. It is safer to travel in packs when you are young and on the street. I am older but I am only a minor threat. I will take your drugs but I won’t rape you in your sleep so that makes me a companion worth having. I t...

I was thinking alot the past few days about the death of an addict. When I heard that Spanky died on Jan 17, I wasn't surprised because of his years of poor health. I was taken aback my my sadness. Here was a young man I loved- sure it was junkie love- but loved passionately at one time in my life. In early recovery, I used to accept his phone callas from jail and we would discuss getting back together if he ever got clean. Early on, I knew these were empty promises. I remember running into him after he was released. I was caught offguard by the smell of alcohol as I gave him a quick goodbye kiss. WTF? I thought you really meant it this time. I was only harbouring a glimmer of hope for him. That fire was quickly and publicly extinquished in that moment. I had decided that I needed to love myself more than any drug induced fanatsy that love conquers all. Love is love and it never stopped anyone from using. RIP Spanky. When you had that six months of clean time, I'm glad I got ...

I spend alot of time writing, reading and thinking tons of insane thoughts. Being the mother of three small children is stressful enough but being an addict in recovery adds to the mix. I hope you will enjoy following my journey- past present and future. everything I say in my writing is based on my feelings and my opinions.