Quarantina

I found a bag of meth yesterday. I've found broken syringes, tiny bottle of cheap vodka, and a few wrappers have blown in the spring breeze when I've taken the dog out for a walk. What day of the week is it again? Oh, it is another generic day in my house. I generally don't CRAVE drugs. I get little "c" craving. Things like seeing a person pull the needle out as we make eye contact as we walk by. I might think to myself "damn that looks good". But mostly, I can maintain a sense of distance between me and my sketchy past. Until this pandemic. 

I wake up from using dreams 3-4 nights a week now. All kinds of crazy shit, mostly where I am stuck in abandoned building on a filthy mattress or I am dopesick and freezing in the rain. This now month long waking nightmare of sorts has stirred up repressed memories of days gone by. I never really cared that much about dying. I mean I was cautious but that is different about caring. I could not visualize what the next day would be like so it was hard to embrace the potential consequences of my life ending. But the covid 19 shit, that makes me afraid in a new way. 

What do you do when you have no control? Let go? Hold on until you are exhausted in the struggle? Eat myself into a coma? Day drink? Shoot dope? Exercise (lollollol)? This time has really revealed the vulnerabilities in my own personal safety net. I did not realize I needed people this much. I miss people I don't even like. But I am moving from the depths of despair into finding the little joys in daily living. If I'm alive, I might as well enjoy the time I have, right? 

Hit me back people. I love you. 

Comments

  1. nequeenb90April 10, 2020 at 10:06 AM

    I gotcha and definitely feel ya. Im craving that cocoon of numb one minute or that electrical charge the next. I simply just don't want to feel anymore. I'm tired of being responsible for everyone and everything. I look in the mirror and all I see is an old, tired woman sitting around waiting to do nothing all over again the next day. I'm sick of myself and those who need me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Jeremy JonesApril 10, 2020 at 9:18 PM

      Same here, but stay strong as we all share this disease. We are all here for each other and we are all fighting this hell together. If you ever need someone to talk to you can email me at jeremyjones123@live.com

      I feel like especially now with the quarantine we all could use each other to stay talking and fighting together to stand strong together.

      Delete
    2. traceyh415April 15, 2020 at 4:39 PM

      Love you!

      Delete
  2. Jeremy JonesApril 10, 2020 at 9:15 PM

    Stay strong, remember all of the lives you have literally saved to this disease we share. Yes it is hard but we are all in this together. Keep writing, keep living, keep providing for your children, keep being a proud and badass Mom.

    I know this might not work for you but what I have been doing is finding apps that I can really put some time into to keep my mind off of things.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Kayla P.April 12, 2020 at 2:58 PM

      Hey there. I am just now checking into this site/blog because I am rereading Tracey's book now (with this pandemic shit going on and nothing else to do). I had the book THE BIG FIX given to me by an aunt while I was in rehab - DACCO, in Tampa, FL. I am so glad that I have came upon this blog!

      Thanks for writing out your feelings, I am sorry that you're craving too. I am as well. I gave it all up and went to rehab 2016/2017. I was forced to give up the drug life, my apartment in the hood, and forced into DRUG COURT. I completed it all! I never thought in my life that I would be able to complete such things like REHAB & DRUG COURT!! It was thee hardest thing to do in my life, really.

      I am with all of you on this, I have this disease of addiction as well. I am addicted to Heroin/Opiates. I am also on Methadone now, I ended up relapsing as soon as I graduated DRUG COURT! Crazy?! I did it ALL with-OUT substances but when I don't have anything or ANYONE holding my hand through it, I fuck it up. Like I said before, I have this disease of ADDICTION.

      I relapsed and keep smoking crack & drinking in between weeks of just sticking to my plan of staying straight and continuing on the Methadone, it really does help me. I would be so scared to get off at this point because I would probably dead and/or shooting H (dope) and any drug I could get my hands on until I died. I really am glad that I made the choice to pick-up this book, again. I had just read the part where Jake died last night and she was feeling wrong about him getting off the Methadone! FINALLY!! Someone truly understands my struggle, and I truly feel like I am Jake now. I feel so weak when it comes to people & meetings telling me and anyone on MAT - we're not clean unless we get off of EVERYTHING... I felt humbled by reading that part because I know that someone can relate and understand me and where I am at right now.

      I know this life is short, temporary. I want to make the best of it and if Methadone helps me and keeps me pushing, then I will keep doing what is best FOR ME!

      I hope everyone & anyone reading this DOES NOT give up or in to the bullshit, and if you do, so what?! We are all HUMAN. WE MAKE MISTAKES! Do NOT dwell in it and keep it moving, keep striving for better and don't stay stuck in the mistake or relapse you made.

      Delete
    2. traceyh415April 15, 2020 at 4:55 PM

      Wow thank you for sharing that

      Delete

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