Enjoying my Ninth Life

I was laying in my bunk bed cuddling one of my fat rolls last week when it dawned on me that it has been over two decades since the last time I was starving. I have gotten used to this sturdier frame. This is quite a contrast from the years when I was so thin I had to wear multiple pairs of pants just to get up to any type of a normal frame. There was an expression I heard in rehab "I was so sucked up, my two back pockets were touching." This was a painfully accurate representation. It's a humbling thing to have to decide between spending a dollar on a little debbie snack cake and paying full price for a small bag of shitty dope. Yet, I'd rather eat food I'd find on the top of a trashcan then part with my hard hustled money. 

I am going to be fifty this year. I have outlived my shelf life many times over. I used up many of my nine lives, squandered a few. I enjoyed a few others. I will never forget the three weeks I spent tripping my ass off in Colorado at the Rainbow Gathering. Or the weeks I squatted in the MDC music studio. Or the first few months of my IV drug use, when I still really enjoyed heroin. Or a few of the moments in between. My life path has been more of a an uphill loop that took a turn at the garbage dump then off towards the beach. It has been an interesting ride. 

I am at the age now where I have to start thinking about "what if my kids want to try drugs?" and "what am I going to tell them about heroin use" and how can I explain that most of my friends are dead. I ran into a person I used to get high with just yesterday My kids wanted to know how I knew him. "We met through a friend of mine that died of an overdose." There was nothing else I could think of to tell them except the truth. The truth is my default. I no longer spin webs of deceit to protect me. The truth is disarming. 

I know many of you that read these entries are dealing with addiction, depression, anxiety, eating disorders, and pain. I see you. It does get better. It will get worse at times though. I am not going to lie. Life has lots of bumps in the road. Overall though., I am glad I didn't kill myself to put it bluntly. I am glad I've gotten to know you. 

Carry naloxone, test your drugs, pet all the animals, get hugs, come see me. I love you. 

Comments

  1. QuinnJanuary 1, 2020 at 10:19 PM

    That was well written and a great look into a long life of drug use. Your description looking back on your life is very interesting. It kind of romanticizes the drug, but I guess drug users have that and it shouldn’t be hidden.

    Do you plan to stop? Or at least only use occasionally?

    Looking out for you dude.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. traceyh415January 2, 2020 at 7:59 AM

      I quit a long time ago. But for whatever reason, the winter stirs up a lot of feelings and repressed memories

      Delete

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