On pause

I enjoyed shooting heroin as much as one can enjoy it. It served it’s purpose- filling the void of non existent relationships, happiness, and self esteem. I didn’t need love. Heroin WAS love. Mix that with  the ego boost that was amphetamines. My path to daily maintenance was settled. I saw the consequences but I cared very little about them. If only I had an endless supply, I told myself. In reality, I should’ve been more focused on having usable veins. I abused the vessel that held my future endeavors to the point the machine turned against me. It was time to try abstinence, possibly and probably against my better judgment. There was simply no evidence it would work.

Twenty something years later, I’m a functioning human. There are days when I’m less functioning than others. I hold no illusions about that time of my life. I am both lucky to have survived and angry that drugs don’t work for me anymore. I can hold both opinions. I was fortunate to survived before fentanyl but I’m sad I didn’t get in a few more Oxys. Just saying.

My forties are rolling to an end. I’ve enjoyed most of my life. If you’d asked me at 22 what I’d be doing at this age, I would’ve said “decomposing” with no irony. But I’ve outlived my shelf life. I’ve come to accept this fleshy prison as tolerable. I even feel happy from time to time.

I haven’t been writing to you much because honestly I’ve been eating like shit and binging tv. I’ve fallen into intellectual apathy. It happens. I’m in a slump that is wrapped in fleecy sweatpants. It is what it is I guess. Mentally, I’m on pause. But I’ll emerge with new ideas. I always do. In the meantime, pass the chips. We got resting to do.

Comments

  1. SteveJune 4, 2021 at 11:32 AM

    I've seen the documentary a few times over the years and for some reason found myself watching it last night ....interesting you mentioned Fentanyl here ....I was wondering your views on that ....the 90's days of grunge and black tar heroin almost seem innocent now in comparison to how deadly the current wave of fentanyl seems to be

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. traceyh415June 6, 2021 at 4:10 PM

      The fent situation reminds me a lot of the AIDS crisis but more elevated. Heroin wasn’t as potent but HIV was a constant risk and I had many friends that died. But it’s obviously more mortality now and my heart drops when I think about how little improvement has occurred over the past 4.

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