Monday, April 2, 2018

This is Us (Dope Fiend Edition)

Well family, another day is coming to a close. I am sitting on my bed in a t-shirt and boxer shorts figuring out how to inspire the world. In today's edition, I really want to discuss how the media portrays us. Pretty much on a daily basis, a journalist of one type of another want to get the "inside story" by interviewing current and former opioid "addicts". While some may be kind hearted and many are sympathetic, they aren't us. I look at the books coming out about the "epidemic". They aren't US either. I want to hear stories written by us.

What constitutes US:
- Have you used toilet water to fix?
- Have you gone to work dopesick?
- Have you had to drive you kid to school holding your cheeks sick?
- Have you traded a family heirloom for some pills?
- Have you washed the dope man's dishes? Watched their kids?
- Have you cried over a lost bag?
- Have you burned out all forms of credit?
- Are you on house arrest? Do you have to pee in a cup
- Have you thought subs taste like defeat at least once?
- Have you had to put your legs against the wall and pushed to poop?
- Have you nodded out on top of food?
- Have you used a syringe with the numbers worn off?
- Have you been called in on a pill count?
- Do you know what "BLOW, BLOW!!!" means
- Has anyone ever walked off with your last money?
- Do you know what squat and cough means? Or spread your cheeks?
- Have you had your dose held for a UA?
- Have you been narcaned?

I want to hear THOSE stories from US. We don't need all those to qualify. That is just a start. I want to hear about your first day at the sub clinic. I want to hear about the time you bought baking soda. I want to hear about your first week back at college. Our stories are being taken away. We need our voices heard. I am not sure how I am doing this yet. I am on the case. Nothing about US with out US.

I love you all. Fentanyl is in pretty much every part of the US drug supply. Please get naloxone.

I have had folks inquire about my day job. I run peer based mental health programs. I use my day job to help fund the care package program. There is no way I could do my advocacy without the support of my full time job. They are very understanding and I enjoy my work. 


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  2. The first time I went to a suboxone clinic, I paid $700 for myself and $700 for my husband, for what we thought was a miracle drug to get us through withdrawal from about a gram a day IV heroin habit each. After we paid the money, we sat with a doctor who briefly took our medical and drug use histories... maybe we peed in a cup. He prescribed the orange octagon shaped pills, hexagon? Along with kolonpin for anxiety (I already had a pocket full of Xanax for that) and flexiril (for leg cramps,) they instructed us to wait 12 hours before taking the first dose. We made it! Sweating, shitting, crying.... and I put the first Tang/Xanax tasting pill under my tongue and I waited... and waited.... and waited. It wasn’t working! I frantically called the emergency exchange at the doctors office and they said I could take one more.... NOTHING! I hurried and called the dopeman to explain what I had done, he came right away. I fixed up and was prepared for relief.... NOTHING!! What had I done?! How will I make it to work tomorrow, what will the kids think?? I have a paper due Thursday night! I can’t be sick! Not now, not this week! The dopeman came back a second time.... I started to feel better. It was going to be okay, let me just get my bag for tomorrow now too. I’ll try suboxone again next weekend. Suboxone felt like Defeat EVERY time after that. It felt like a back up plan. Worst case scenario plan. Just in case I go to jail plan.

  3. I jacked $20 from the register at work to get off sick so I could work to pay back the $20. Sent my guy out to go get it, he came back with a bag of dirt. Literally. Soil. I tried to work through it, but I was spending roughly $300 a day on gear, my habit was serious, my withdrawals were so so bad. I actually made it through the night, but I did shit myself while bringing a bottle of champagne to some guests. I hope they couldn't tell.

  4. I remember me and my ex were in a McDonald's bathroom on the east side of Cleveland and we just spent ever last cent on dope. We were always super paranoid because we simply didn't belong in that neighborhood so we stayed in the stall and moved quick. Realizing we didn't get water..we shrugged and dipped into the bowl. Fortunately for me I didn't suffer any consequences. My ex however now has a glass eye due to using toilet water. Winter time in Cleveland.. I just copped some dope and crack,mind you it's night time and snow on ground. I met my dope boy and I have the dope in my hand. I prepare the stem and throw the trash out the window and with that went my drugs. Yeah... I never found them. Me and my ex hustled all morning for our afternoon gram.. And what did we get.. a nice rock off the ground. I could go on!

  5. I had a friend who passed away a few months ago, od'd on fent. In her autopsy they found something crazy like 1mg. Her and I were dope fiends mostly, used benzo's or whatever else to get by too. Fenty dope was and is the only dope available, sometimes only fent pressed rocks. Anyways, one time while I was driving, she overdosed, in the passenger seat. She was unconscious, limp and not breathing for a while and someone was giving her cpr while I was getting ready to give her Narcan. I gave her a shot in her arm, wasn't waking up, her butt two times after not waking up the first. She was sick n screaming when she woke up. Not long after that I crashed my car in a school parking lot because I overdosed on fent. Was found unconscious with my foot on the gas reversing into a teachers car. You know once I got to the hospital I was getting high in the bathroom. And as soon as I was finally discharged and went home I thought it'd be a good idea for me to hit up my dboy. The next day I went on subs. Waiting in the office for hours to be sick enough wasn't great. I might've not been sick on the subs but I still had a big void in my life. I smoked about an eighth of weed a day. I wasn't happy. I dreamed of mountains of dope. And sadly relapse has been a big part of my life, but I am 7 days clean and trying to get my life together.

    1. U have this!! Please....don't use. Do this for U! Uve got this!!!

  6. My friend wanted me to share her story (she doesn’t have the internet but told me what to write. She is an amazing person who is just struggling.):
    “I did a lot of things I’m not proud of to fund my habit, one being prostitution. I once had a client die after we were done having sex. He literally keeled over (turns out it was a fatal heart attack, he wasn’t a junkie) and died. I went through his wallet and took all his money (since I hadn’t been paid yet) before I called an ambulance. I still feel bad about that. The whole thing scared me so much that I stopped prostituting the next day. I’ve never gone back to it, even at times when I’ve been sick and broke.”

    1. Tell her my friend had her long time trick die. She put him under and blanket and wheeled him into the bank (dead) weekend at Bernie’s style to get out the money she “had coming to her” before she called the coroner. She got her life together after that.

  7. Ha no, but my dumbass had a "kit" which I'd use the same water for a couple weeks from this container, despite usually having water access just fine. Next mistake was taking it from my water cup I saw no reason to wash for "just water" (that I also drank from!) I used to get tons of abscesses. Still tend to get them in winter, but not as much. Propel water once, it gave me a headache.
    - Too many times, many types of work. I shot up during lunch break at one workplace. Also took a shot to school one semester when considering classes, time between, and the bus- I'd be gone 12+ hrs.
    - No kids.
    - I don't live close to family. But one time, almost 16 years ago I moved back to my mom's after a year on meth, she was gone for the week. In looking for any info (printed emails etc) about me so I knew what to expect, knowing my ex-roommate ratted me out, I found $690. Left it alone til my car was impounded. Took it to get it out, get some to sell to replace the $ and move back out. Got ripped off. Didn't admit this to my mom for years.
    - Ha no, I wish that was an option.
    - Of course I have.
    - I can only get "dopeman" credit and keep it minimal. I did do the empty envelope game to a few banks years back. It took til a few years ago to be able to get an account again. And still paying back one bank til May.
    - Except for an unpaid ticket warrant, none of my arrests have happened while being on drugs. Most of my legal trouble was from driving without a license in a different state.
    - Not really, but I've only taken them here & there, never had my own script.
    - I suppose that's a good idea, but I'm rarely unable to poop anymore, and have a different trick for it, anyway.
    - Sure have, and it's usually been some type of pastry.
    - Oh yes & all sorts of gross little tricks to get the plunger to move and the stick to stay in. Sharpening the needle with a match striker. Bad habits from my ex. Next bf was into meth instead, and refused to reuse anything. Now I don't run out for more than a few days. There's a place to buy them a few miles away. Sadly, that was also the case while with my ex.
    - No pill count.
    - Haha, just because you described it. However, when it was done to me, my ex just said to hold my breath and demonstrated the rest.
    - Twice. Once when my ex wanted me to quit so wouldn't call for me, the other was "after hours." The dope guy delivers 8-8. Other than that, I've only even scored elsewhere 9 times in the last decade. Two were on holidays (Xmas) when he's closed and they homeless people. 4 times after hours through one user and the other 2 through another. One through someone in my apartment complex, and it took a long time & a lot of walking
    - Sure do, I felt my license revocation was unjustified & kept driving and getting in trouble for years.
    - Never been on the clinic.
    - Once- the first time I injected heroin. Because I wanted to see "what else this does," about half an hour after my first injection, after the guy who did it for me (who became my bf a month later) had left, I had one of my roommates give me another. I was used to psychedelics & dissociatives, so more meant more interesting. More heroin means nothing at all, except maybe dying, or maybe passing out.