Wednesday, March 28, 2018

"'it's so insane how this drug has taken hold over me."

"'it's so insane how this drug has taken hold over me."

Another person lost to drugs. Another person lost to the world. I have corresponded with thousands of people over the years- a few messages from time to time. This person was different. I had been corresponding with them off and on since 10/2013. That's a long fucking time. I had recently looked at their pictures, remarking to myself they must be doing well if I haven't heard from them.

Things start as they do- sniffing some pills. Then more pills. Then more pills. We started with some questions about if you could OD from snorting oxy.

"I usually do, at a minimum, 120mg of oxy a day. the average I do is about 200mg. the max is about 300mg. I haven't moved onto the needle, and I really don't have plans to"

There were some times when the using stopped. Smoking weed with friends. Taking classes. Playing xbox and paintball.

"you truly bring me hope that there are still good people left in this world"

Then a few more frantic messages. Some pictures of a swollen arm. I've started doing H. I have started shooting up.

"I fucking shot up. Fucked my arms all up.. I don't think I missed, but I had to stick myself a shit ton, and they feel bruised."

Then months of no contact.

"Hey tracey.. I don't know who else to go to right now.. but I am completely in over my head. Somehow I have managed to get up to doing 1.5g a day IV. Binged out for the last week so hard its not funny. But i've been doing at least a half g a day for at least 3 months now. I want to stop so badly "

Two trips to the sub doctor. Some benzos in the mix. A final last hope was a trip to the methadone clinic. They were doing SO well. A message about getting down to 1mg on a taper..

Then a few more words and that was that. I don't know all the details. I just know I could have written this story. This was my story. Except I did not die at 25. I didn't need to worry about fentanyl. I got off everything at 27. I consider myself lucky.

Working as an advocate, I get the bitter and periodically I get some sweet. There is more work to be done. No one should ever have to die alone like this.

I love you.


  1. I read this and just feel an eerie emptiness, may your friend rest peacefully.

  2. I have 4 brothers plus my in laws...Just in the past brother od...lived but has some medical issues now. A month later my brother in law od..went in his sleep, he had been in jail for 9 month and had been out 20 days and for most part doing good. Three months later another brother found his gf dead with needle in her arm still, this brother calls me a POS because of my drug use over the years...he had no idea she was using. Since then one of my other brothers has been locked 2x for sales and delivery ( just to support his habit and give a little money to whoevers house he is crashing at) He git lucky 1st time...illegal search so he got time served...positive he is going to prison now...especially since they were pissed he got off first time...if so his kids will be grown by the time he is out...also he lost his wife last year, she was hit by a car. Even all this has happened...we still conitue to use. I guess you could say we are somewhat "functiining" addicts...have jobs, kids and we have a good relationship. But....we could do sooo much better...we are both much better than what we were say 3 years ago...but still have a ways to go...we will...not giving up. Your writing is very inspiring! You have a beautiful gift....thank you for sharing it!